Wednesday, December 27, 2006

13 DPO: No work to distract me

I finished yet another book last night.

I have no work to do right now. It's a weird feeling. I always have 1-2 projects that I could pick up and work on. It's not cause for concern. I have a big project that I should be starting up this week that will keep me plenty busy. I just haven't received the materials yet, so I really can't do any work right now. How am I supposed to distract myself?

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Christmas was fun overall. I stayed with my brother and SIL. That was nice. I love them both dearly and they are really sweet to me and Lo. I worry about them so much.

Things are no better with them, or so it appeared to me. My brother still drinks ALL the time. We stopped at a liquor store on our way to Christmas Eve dinner, ya know, to pick up a bottle of wine for our host. He stopped there, too. But to pick up a bottle of something to get him through the trip to his in-laws', where he was going. A bottle just for him.

It's bad when your liquor store lets you run a tab, because you're such a good customer.

My SIL has been unemployed since before the summer. She has been severely depressed, and not surprisingly so. My brother drinks away most of his paycheck each week and they have trouble paying their bills. Being on unemployment and the way he treats her doesn't help her mood either. He can be really nasty and abusive to her.

My brother is pickling his liver, if he hasn't already pickled it. My father was only 39 when he was diagnosed with cirrhosis and his liver was full of holes at that point, so who knows when he started pickling it? Even if my brother weren't an alcoholic, he shouldn't be drinking anywhere near as much as he does. Both of us need to be careful. Women can get cirrhosis much more quickly than men can, so I watch how much I drink. Just like I get screened for ovarian cancer. If you know you're at risk for a life-threatening disease, you need to be careful. I don't know if my brother cares if he lives or dies, which is sad.

I saw my brother in just his boxers (thanks for that, bro). He is thin as a rail. According to my SIL, he doesn't eat like a normal person. I'm sure his digestive system is all screwed up by his drinking. Or maybe it's the liver. My father, toward the end, couldn't hold down food, whether or not he drank. It was pretty horrible. My brother isn't that bad off yet, but he's well on his way.

So, I worry about him. I gave him my typical speech about helping him if he ever decides it's time to get help. He told me he was Irish and was going to live forever. Uh huh.

I feel badly for him. His job is going union and they're paying for him to go to school. That would be really great for him career-wise. If he's union, that'll mean better pay, better benefits, and better job security. But how is he going to get through 2 nights a week of school without a drink? As it is, I suspect her has a hard time getting to 4:30 on a workday without one.

I also feel badly because I cut him down pretty good during Christmas dinner. We were sitting at the table. He was spouting off about something and being ignorant. I jumped in and started to tell him where his thinking was flawed, because it was. He cut me off mid-sentence and started talking loudly over me. He stood up as he did this, so he was towering over me, too. This made me angry. I felt like he was being aggressive and dominating. He was also drunk. He reminded me of my father right then. I felt the anger pulse through my bloodstream and make my face hot. I interrupted him and said simply, "You're louder, but you're not smarter."

My family couldn't believe I said that. It shut my brother up totally. I'm sure I embarassed him. I'm sure I cut him. I felt a little proud of myself for having stood up to him, and basked a little in the attention my family showed me. I think they aren't used to me having any spunk and some of them were impressed. But I also felt badly. He's so easy to cut. I am smarter than he is. He knows it. I didn't need to do that to him. Maybe if he hadn't been so aggressive toward me. Maybe if he hadn't been drunk.

Anyway, now I feel guilty. But I think he knows that I love him and would help him if he ever wanted to get help for his drinking.


J said...

You are a good and thoughtful sister. I'm sorry things are...rough with your brother, I hope he can pull his life together while there is time.....

Distractions? Hrm....Long walk? It's terribly warm for December. While global warming (tm) may be the death of us's ok walking weather for now.

Mo said...

Sorry that you have to watch your brother go through this. I wouldn't worry too much about cutting him down because it sounds like he was out of line and you were just speaking the truth. Maybe someday your honesty will be the wake up call that he actually hears. And I'm crossing fingers for your 2WW.