Friday, December 08, 2006

Thoughts on Your Comments (Plus Co Feeling Sorry for Herself For No Good Reason)

Hi. Thanks for all the comments. They gave me a lot of food for thought.

I was surprised that so many of you think I should seriously consider injectibles, and that you said there is a decreased risk of cancer from them.

(I will spare you all my thinking on the Clomid and ovarian cancer risk thing.)

I would be interested to hear about any studies showing that injectibles are less likely to cause ovarian cancer, because I haven't read anything like that. However, injectibles haven't been around for 50 years like Clomid, right? If so, that could mean we don't yet know exactly how they change our probabilities. How long have they been around? Anyone know?

I think what I really want right now...more than anything...is to feel like there's a way out for me. Like I don't have to keep doing this if I don't want to. I don't think I am willing to do IVF, to answer Bri's question. I have always said that to Lo (not on the blog). I just don't think I'm willing to put myself through that. I won't say never, but...

I don't know about injectibles. I don't know that my insurance covers them, which would mean having to come up with $2K a pop to do them, according to Nurse Poker Face. That's a concern, as well. That and the fact that there are no guarantees that my follies would do better on them.

I just want for us to have a back-up plan. I want to be able to either go to another RE or to bow out if I try everything that I am willing to try with this RE and get nowhere. I think what I really want is for Lo to tell me it's okay to give up if I need to in three months or so. That she'll take the TTC reins or we'll talk seriously about adoption. I would be sad if I don't get to bear a child, but by no means devastated. I would be happy to have a child another way. I have never really needed to be pregnant, although it would be nice. And maybe it's better not to pass on my scary gene pool anyway.

I really thought I wouldn't have to feel any of this angst until I had done 6 IUIs. I'm upset that Nurse Poker Face is suggesting that there is something really wrong that needs to be addressed when this is only my third monitored cycle. I'm furious that if I were het, I'd have a gynecologist reassuring me to wait at least 6 months before worrying about anything, but because I am going for follicular monitoring and taking Clomid every piece of data is scrutinized and if I have one outlier month, they start pulling out the bigger guns. (I got 2 follies from a natural cycle and 3 from my last Clomid cycle... overall, my track record ain't bad). I should never have gone on Clomid. I should've stayed on pseudo-natural cycles. I feel like I opened a floodgate and now I can't close it.

And come Saturday, I may find out this follie is nice and big and I'll feel less worried. Or come Saturday, I'll be devastated again. Or maybe I'll flip out and this will be the fricking cycle that produces a pregnancy and I'll feel like an idiot for having worried. It's not like I don't have any follies.

I just feel like I need a strategy. And I think I'm not willing to try injectibles next month. I'd like to (a) do one more Clomid cycle or (b) go backwards and do one of those pseudo-natural cycles or (c) get a new RE or (d) go back to searching for a KD so I can escape the medical nightmare or (e) take a vacation.

Lo needs to post her 6 weird things meme now. I've been bugging her to do it. I don't want to see my posts every time I visit our blog any more. I'm tired of me.

5 comments:

Melody said...

Wow. You've got a lot going on in that brain. You definitely seem like you're ready to take a break. Vanessa and I had a melt-down in October and went to couples counseling to try to iron out our conception plan. I know we're doing all of this together, but I feel like since my body is the one that's failing us, I'm single-handedly sucking all of our financial resources into my empty uterus.

FWIW, I did 6 natural IUI cycles (2 monitored via u/s right before IUI), no Clomid. To my knowledge, I ovulated every time. The nurse practitioner thinks that perhaps I am not ovulating "with gusto." That's why we're moving to Clomid now. I had the HSG, and it was clear. Whether this month works for us or not, we are moving on to an RE now and getting the rest of the work-up. We took the long slow route, and while I'm not sorry that I did things that way, I'm ready to hit this guns a'blazin with the RE. If that means injectables, I'm finally ready (after at least 2 more Clomid cycles).

I checked into injectables with my insurance and was really surprised to find out that they are covered, so yours might cover it, too. IUI and IVF, of course, are not. Even if they weren't, my research showed that injectables were nowhere near $2K a cycle, but I'd want to hear about that from someone who had actually taken a round of them. I figured they'd probably be just a couple hundred.

Trista said...

Don't let them bully you. It's their job to get you pregnant as quickly as possible and get you out of their office with their stats secure. So of course they're going to want to pull out the big guns. You don't have to use them.

That said, Clomid made me crazy. And from everything I've heard, the injectibles don't have the emotional side effects that clomid does. That being said, there are other drugs that you can take without using needles. Like Femara. If the clomid's not working, then ask your RE if you can try Femara before just going to the injectibles.

And by all means, if you feel like you need a break and/or vacation, then take one. Ok, the vacation part might be hard, but you can take a break from TTC if you need to.

ms.bri said...

The plan is the most important thing of all. We took many breaks along the way, both of our own choosing and otherwise, but through our hardest parts where we didn't want to keep doing it, we decided to stick with the plan we made before we started because that was back when our intentions were unclouded by the hell that is this process. I have been glad that we kept on track. It sounds like you could use a solid track to ride on - this many tries this way, this many another way, then we will stop. That's my plan, too.

Sophia said...

For me I felt Mikey's age has been the motivating factor to move along the tract faster. she really wanted a child before she turned fifty. I also had a premonition (that I ignored for a year) that I was going to have problems so I didn't want to waste time with home AI's with creative visualizations. So for me it was 1 natural cycle (not even a trigger), two clomid cycles (no triggers), one injectables (with trigger) and then 7 home AIs because of lack of insurance and now IVF

e. said...

Co,

I encourage you to take break. Maybe just once cycle maybe more.

I know we're all different and our journey to pregnancy and will therefore differ, but you sound so stressed and unappy with your process.

I don't know what it's like to be you now, but I can tell you we've faced many obstacles in our process, taken breaks, I've been ready to quit -- either for A. to take over or to pursue adoption. There was a time this fall when I was convinced I was not strong enough to keep trying. Working through all those things, while not ttc, helped get me back to a state where I am happy with how we are trying and accepting the wait it takes.

We are on a differnt path, and maybe that makes our expereinces very different, but you need to take care of you, no matter what.

hugs,
e.