Hi. Thanks for all the comments. They gave me a lot of food for thought.
I was surprised that so many of you think I should seriously consider injectibles, and that you said there is a decreased risk of cancer from them.
(I will spare you all my thinking on the Clomid and ovarian cancer risk thing.)
I would be interested to hear about any studies showing that injectibles are less likely to cause ovarian cancer, because I haven't read anything like that. However, injectibles haven't been around for 50 years like Clomid, right? If so, that could mean we don't yet know exactly how they change our probabilities. How long have they been around? Anyone know?
I think what I really want right now...more than anything...is to feel like there's a way out for me. Like I don't have to keep doing this if I don't want to. I don't think I am willing to do IVF, to answer Bri's question. I have always said that to Lo (not on the blog). I just don't think I'm willing to put myself through that. I won't say never, but...
I don't know about injectibles. I don't know that my insurance covers them, which would mean having to come up with $2K a pop to do them, according to Nurse Poker Face. That's a concern, as well. That and the fact that there are no guarantees that my follies would do better on them.
I just want for us to have a back-up plan. I want to be able to either go to another RE or to bow out if I try everything that I am willing to try with this RE and get nowhere. I think what I really want is for Lo to tell me it's okay to give up if I need to in three months or so. That she'll take the TTC reins or we'll talk seriously about adoption. I would be sad if I don't get to bear a child, but by no means devastated. I would be happy to have a child another way. I have never really needed to be pregnant, although it would be nice. And maybe it's better not to pass on my scary gene pool anyway.
I really thought I wouldn't have to feel any of this angst until I had done 6 IUIs. I'm upset that Nurse Poker Face is suggesting that there is something really wrong that needs to be addressed when this is only my third monitored cycle. I'm furious that if I were het, I'd have a gynecologist reassuring me to wait at least 6 months before worrying about anything, but because I am going for follicular monitoring and taking Clomid every piece of data is scrutinized and if I have one outlier month, they start pulling out the bigger guns. (I got 2 follies from a natural cycle and 3 from my last Clomid cycle... overall, my track record ain't bad). I should never have gone on Clomid. I should've stayed on pseudo-natural cycles. I feel like I opened a floodgate and now I can't close it.
And come Saturday, I may find out this follie is nice and big and I'll feel less worried. Or come Saturday, I'll be devastated again. Or maybe I'll flip out and this will be the fricking cycle that produces a pregnancy and I'll feel like an idiot for having worried. It's not like I don't have any follies.
I just feel like I need a strategy. And I think I'm not willing to try injectibles next month. I'd like to (a) do one more Clomid cycle or (b) go backwards and do one of those pseudo-natural cycles or (c) get a new RE or (d) go back to searching for a KD so I can escape the medical nightmare or (e) take a vacation.
Lo needs to post her 6 weird things meme now. I've been bugging her to do it. I don't want to see my posts every time I visit our blog any more. I'm tired of me.