Tuesday, January 30, 2007

11 DPO, Grump and Gratitude

11 DPO. Nothing significant is different on my chart, but we won't know anything for sure until we test or we see blood.

The only difference is I have very sore breasts. I had that the first month I took hoo-ha bullets, too. Maybe I just get that sometimes, and I mistakenly blamed the hoo-ha bullets for it before. The sore breasts started a couple days after our insems, far too early for an early pregnancy sign, so don't get all excited and hopeful. It's not that.

Fingers are still very crossed for my TWW mates.

- - - - - - - -

Now, I am jumping on the grumpy train.

First, some stories about other grump.

Our friends were hoping to adopt through the foster care system, and spent 2 years fostering babies. I remember them feeling grumpy that they had been parents for so long, but had only ever experienced parenting infants. They went from one very young infant to another very young infant to another very young infant. They were like parents with a child caught in some time warp who never grew beyond a certain age (I know they were different children, but you get the point.) They were parents for 2 years who had never parented a 2-year-old.

I get that.

Whatthef*ck was explaining in a recent blog post that she is grumpy, in part because she has spent so much of the last 2 years being in early stages of pregnancy. Because of her 3 dead babies, her current pregnancy is the 6th first trimester she has been in. And she is even more restricted than most women in terms of what she needs to avoid during this pregnancy, so it's hard.

I get that.

(And for the people I refer to above, if I got any of your feelings/story wrong, my apologies. Feel free to correct me in the comments.)

So, here's my grumpy complaint. I, too, have restricted myself almost to the same degree as if I were truly pregnant, on and off, for the past 6 months. For example, while I was waiting for my LH surge this past cycle, I didn't want to take an antihistamine because it might dry up my fertile mucus. So, I suffered with watery, itchy eyes (not a huge deal, but it makes it hard to stare at my computer screen among other things) because I didn't want to dry up that mucus we so desperately needed in case ovulation was just around the corner. And of course, every TWW, and even a lot of the first parts of my cycle, I am cautious. I try to exercise since that improves fertility, but not too hard because that could be bad. I don't drink much during the first part of my cycle and not a drop during the second part. And my one real vice... coffee... well, I restrict myself to one cup maximum. I've considered whether if I gave it up entirely, that might help my outcome.

Sometimes, I actually think to myself, "You know, if I actually get pg and carry a baby to term, I will have to keep restricting myself like this and more for the next 9 months plus, too." Don't get me wrong. I'd be the happiest of happy people if that happened for me. It's not that any of these things are so hard. It just seems unfair that I have been living like a pseudo-pregnant person for most of 6 months now, and then if I am lucky, really lucky, I'll get to live like that for another 9 months. And if I'm not really lucky, then I will have lived like that for no reason at all.

I can't go for a really long, hard run when I am feeling anxious or having trouble sleeping. When I have a tough deadline, I can't have a second cup of coffee to help me concentrate. When my skin is red and itchy, I don't dare pop an Allegra.

And to add to the pseudo-pregnant person feeling, let's not forget all the time I've spent injecting myself with HcG and taking progesterone suppositories. So, I get inklings of what it feels like to be pg, knowing the whole time it doesn't mean I am. There's something kind of cruel about that.

So, I'm just adding my beefs to the grump.

But I am also grateful. A friend of mine, who is a gay man, made me realize recently that I am also lucky that I am a (hopefully) fertile woman who can even try to conceive. He and his partner don't have a womb at the ready. And they don't have the money to hire a surrogate, buy a donor egg, etc. They are hoping they will be able to adopt when they decide they want to be parents, and I would be happy to adopt also. But I am indeed grateful that Lo and I can give it a try with our uteruses first. Somewhere admidst the grump, there is also gratitude.


e. said...

I'm right there with you, although after two and a half years of charting / trying I am not so restrictive anymore. It's just not possible and made me crazy.

I had a real good pitty party for myself last night after hearing about my SILs third pregnancy admists this Fu@Ked up cycle, and in the end I had to remind myself how lucky I am to be a woman, and thought of my gay male friends, who have it so much harder.

Hang in there.

Melody said...

I'm so tired of being bitchy and grumpy. Life seemed so much more satisfying before I started TTC. Nothing's changed. It's still me and Vanessa--still a good life in a house we love with animals we love and good friends around us. Sometimes I wish I could go back to one year ago when that was enough.

Mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh sweetheart - I know exactly how you feel. It doesn't really improve either, since once you get pregnant you still feel like you've been pregnant for 100 years. I can't wait to get a bit tipsy on champagne once this baby's born! And eat whatever I want without people tssssking me!

Holly said...

we can totally relate. spending 2 years trying to get pregnant totally changes your life.
when it did work, lois had heartburn, horrible morning sickness, and the bed rest for 8 weeks almost put her over the edge.
we really had to remind ourselves that everything is worth it.
right now, we feel like this has been ongoing for 5 years. it's exhausting.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully said. I have already tasted the grumpiness of self-denial (even skipping Maalox when my intestines were exploding) during my first TWW.

I hope you get to grump about pregnancy soon!

vee said...

Just to add to the chorus of "yes, I so get what you mean"s.

I'm sadly delighted to discover that you still indulge in the one cup of coffee a day though - I too have cut down to one, but I'd struggle to give it up entirely, given what else I've given up. I've been giving myself grief about it lately, so it's nice to know i'm not alone with my vice!!

fostermama said...

It was neat to finally get to the toddler stage, with fostering, and I'm hoping that if we get a long-term foster placement before our adoptive placement, it will be a toddler, so that I'm not sick of infants again by the time our infant comes.

What sucks right now is the breastmilk pumping. We have to be ready to feed a newborn each and every day, because we never know which day they're going to call and say "come get 'em." So we take medication to induce lactation and we pump 3-4 times a day (thank goodness we both seem to be able to keep a decent supply w/o the middle of the night pumpings!). Even on our vacation that we just got back from, we had gone to get away from the constant state of "where's the baby?" but we still had to take breaks a couple times a day and sit in the car or the hotel room pumping.

The thing that sucks the most, though, for me, isn't any of the practical bits like that. It's the sense of living in suspended animation. Like life right now isn't real life, it's just the wait. It's really hard to make everyday life good, because it's not what I want it to be. It's not parenting. And we have NO IDEA when it will be. Just hoping w/in 6-9 months. And not holding my breath for that, either.

I hope you get pregnant soon, so you aren't too sick of the process to enjoy your pregnancy to the extent that's possible.