Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year

I wish everyone out there a happy, healthy, and wonderful new year. To those who had a good 2006, I hope 2007 brings more of the same. To those who had a craptastic 2006, I hope things look up for you in 2007.

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I am starting the New Year with low expectations. This is the year I turn 34, the same age at which my mother died. I have dreaded this year for decades. I don't know if most people can truly understand just how much I've dreaded this year. This will be the suckiest birthday ever, except maybe my 35th birthday. If I outlive my mother, that might suck worse. Who knows?

I am trying to figure out what, if anything, will make me feel better about TTC.

I am wondering if not blogging obsessively about all the details will help.

I am wondering if approaching it with the mindset that it's all just a series of medical procedures I have to endure for at least 3 more months will help... if I don't think about the desired outcome so much and just get through the medical stuff, like it's something I have to do.

I am wondering if just letting myself live my life and not worrying about controlling variables so much will help... like what I eat, what I drink, how much caffeine I get, how much sleep, how much stress.

The truth is...I won't feel better about TTC until it's over. It feels like a job, like a job I committed to before I realized how much work it was going to be, and now I just have to finish it because I'm conscientious. I don't feel like there's a baby at the end of these procedures any more. Just a fulfillment of an obligation.

When it's all over, I can have a preventive oophorectomy and say, "I tried. Oh well."

I feel like I am racing the clock. If I can't conceive before I'm the age my mother was when she died of ovarian cancer, then part of me doesn't want my reproductive organs inside me. Unlike for many women, I don't see them as harbingers of future life. I also see them as the organs that did my mother and maternal GM in.

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To quote an old Irish song, "Isn't it grand, boys?"

3 comments:

Sophia said...

That's pretty intense stuff there. I hope 2007 exceeds your expectations

art-sweet said...

I remember my former karate teacher celebrating the end of - I can't remember what year it was - maybe 47? because that was the year her mother had died and she was so relieved to have made it through that year without dying.

I don't have any answers for you, just my hopes that this works out sooner rather than later.

ms.bri said...

I am so sorry, hon. I can imagine that birthday. I just thought I'd share that I felt exactly the same way about ttc last summer - there was a plan and I was just sticking to the plan even though it seemed ridiculous to do so because I was so obviously never going to get pregnant. I really wanted it to be over. I can really relate. And I hope your outcome (after your highly intelligent break month, of course - I am a fan of the break) is similar to mine with far less fear and heartache.