I wish everyone out there a happy, healthy, and wonderful new year. To those who had a good 2006, I hope 2007 brings more of the same. To those who had a craptastic 2006, I hope things look up for you in 2007.
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I am starting the New Year with low expectations. This is the year I turn 34, the same age at which my mother died. I have dreaded this year for decades. I don't know if most people can truly understand just how much I've dreaded this year. This will be the suckiest birthday ever, except maybe my 35th birthday. If I outlive my mother, that might suck worse. Who knows?
I am trying to figure out what, if anything, will make me feel better about TTC.
I am wondering if not blogging obsessively about all the details will help.
I am wondering if approaching it with the mindset that it's all just a series of medical procedures I have to endure for at least 3 more months will help... if I don't think about the desired outcome so much and just get through the medical stuff, like it's something I have to do.
I am wondering if just letting myself live my life and not worrying about controlling variables so much will help... like what I eat, what I drink, how much caffeine I get, how much sleep, how much stress.
The truth is...I won't feel better about TTC until it's over. It feels like a job, like a job I committed to before I realized how much work it was going to be, and now I just have to finish it because I'm conscientious. I don't feel like there's a baby at the end of these procedures any more. Just a fulfillment of an obligation.
When it's all over, I can have a preventive oophorectomy and say, "I tried. Oh well."
I feel like I am racing the clock. If I can't conceive before I'm the age my mother was when she died of ovarian cancer, then part of me doesn't want my reproductive organs inside me. Unlike for many women, I don't see them as harbingers of future life. I also see them as the organs that did my mother and maternal GM in.
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To quote an old Irish song, "Isn't it grand, boys?"