Monday, February 19, 2007

More Pointless Whining

  1. My reward for finally getting over a horrible case of the flu is tons of work to catch up on. Not that I haven't been working while I've been sick, mind you. (Don't get me wrong. My employers are really wonderful and understanding and would give me extensions. In fact, they already have given me the ones I've asked for, but I don't want to push my deadlines back too much lest I dig myself into a hole I can't get out of. I can't do all-nighters while TTC.)
  2. Lo is off from school this week and I don't have time to spend with her.
  3. Lo and I successfully dug out my ice-embedded car yesterday morning and moved it into an alternate side spot only to learn late last night that alternate side parking was suspended.
  4. The birth control pills I'm on while waiting for my leftover follie to go away have been causing annoying spotting for the past 5 days. So, even during an enforced break I am spared neither crazy-making hormones nor daily pantiliners. (I wear a pantiliner after every u/s because of all the lube they use. If that's TMI, I don't care.)
  5. Speaking of lube, Saturday is my next ultrasound. I am going to write my name on the sign-in sheet in ALL CAPS just to make it passive-aggressively clear that they'd better not forget about me this time.
  6. I can't help but feel that if we had used Lo's uterus, we might have a baby on the way right now. That I should have known not to try to depend on my f**ked up, useless body. It never does what I want it to do, no matter how hard I work. During a mountain climbing trip to the Grand Tetons back around the time I met Lo, I had my first asthma attack in 10 years. The attack happened while hiking to the mountain. Well, some might call it hiking, but it was more likely scrambling over boulders. During the attack, I started crying while puffing on my inhaler. Not because I was scared. Not because it was painful. But because I had trained so hard for my mountain climbing trip, running intervals every day for months beforehand to get myself into tip-top aerobic shape. And still my body failed me. I wanted my fellow climbers to go on without me. But, we were with a guide, who couldn't just let a climbee who'd just had an asthma attack stay by herself or hike back herself. So, after the attack passed, I continued on and made it to the summit because I didn't want to let my climbing buddies down. But I was furious with my body the whole time. I was furious that no matter how much effort I had put in, my body still let me down. Anyone see any obvious parallels to this TTC stuff?
  7. I just got a phone call from my very nice project manager asking about a standard that I completely forgot to cover in a lesson I wrote a couple weeks ago. Just completely missed it! Now, my editor has to go back and add in content and write new questions to cover the standard I missed, and I know he is swamped. My employer will end up paying extra for my mistake because I am paid a set fee for my writing and the editor is paid by the hour. So, if the editor fixes it, then he gets to bill for that. There is nothing I hate more than knowing I screwed up.


J said...

Uh. Yes. Totally. Not a day goes by in this process that I don't think to myself, "if we used S's body, she'd get knocked up within the first 3 shots because she's THAT regular and well, the odds are good that one of us is fine and it certainly isn't me."

I hate feeling like my body is failing me. Hate hate hate.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. It sucks.

PS: If you allow your blog to accept limited comments fron non-blogger users I can leave my real "addres."

FosterMommy said...

You're a stressball. Whining is totally okay.

It's really easy, when faced with some amount of failure, to say "well, if we'd just gone about it a different way, then it would have succeeded!" but that's just not the way it goes.

You are no less likely to get pregnant the next go around than you were the first time. the unsuccessful times don't mean much. and your pessimism doesn't effect it one way or another, either.

You might get pregnant. I hope you do. If you end up moving on to Lo's uterus, that's just the way it goes. Your body is not failing you. It's just not being given a fair shot. Your body would prefer the heterosexual approach. That's just the way it is. And you can't really start blaming yourself for not wanting to marry a man, right? :P

Okay, I'll shut up now. I'm just saying, whine all you want, but I hope that you can see that hope does exist. And you know, in the end, you'll have a child. Because that's what you want.

calliope said...

those are 7 pretty heavy things. that sucks.
I echo J in that I also get the hating body aspect of ttc. Not only do I hate my body, but I also start to think I am being punished for being a bad person at some point or other.
it all just sucks.
I am thinking of you both & wish all the things we want/need were much easier to get.

p.s. I ALSO echo J (b/c I am a copy cat) in that if you allow more open comments we can sign in with our new pressure ;-)

e. said...

I'm with J, I believe so deeply that if A. were doing this we'd have a child RIGHT now. I am not ready to give up and she is not ready to start!

You are a tough cookie! If you can make it to the summit of the Tetons after an asthma attack, you will make it to the delivery room. You are smart and loving and passionate. Keep fighting the good fight, and let let out your stress here so that your body gets to release it.

Tak care Co. {{{hugs}}}