Friday, February 02, 2007

On to the Next Cycle, More Gratitude

So, yeah, didn't expect AI #5, our at-home insems with frozen sperm, to work. I'm really not as upset as I usually feel when the negative news is confirmed. I think I really didn't get my hopes up as much as I often do. Or maybe I'm just getting used to this.

I don't look forward to another Saturday morning at the RE's talking about injectibles vs. Clomid and having an ultrasound on Day 2 of my period as is my clinic's yucky baseline custom. But it is what it is.

So, onto another medicated cycle, IUI #4, AI #6. Will lucky number 6 be the charm?

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By the way, those of you wading through bigtime hell right now, there is no need for you to read the gratitude part of this post. If you're in a place where everything just sucks, then I totally get that and respect that. You don't need to feel grateful. Not at all.

I'm not there right now (although I'm sure I'll visit again soon), so for those of you who want to read it, here's my second gratitude post.

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More gratitude...

I was talking to a friend of Lo's, Dr. EF, who is a family practice doctor. She was telling me about how she is trying to help some of her patients get pregnant, by prescribing Clomid and telling them about BBTs and such.

Dr. EF works at a clinic that serves low-income, mostly uninsured patients. I complained to her briefly about how much I hate the R.E. and how pricey this whole process is and how stressful and she gave me a big-time reality check. Her patients don't have the luxury. Not at all. No matter how much they want it. Not even a consultation. They don't have the money. They can't possibly save it. It's not an option.

So, I know I bitch about going to the R.E. I know I bitch about how much this all costs, and how invasive it is.

But I'm lucky in many ways, and grateful. I'm lucky that I have good health insurance. I'm lucky that I can afford to buy sperm, even though I'm by no means wealthy. I'm lucky that if I need to, I have good credit and a good income and Lo has those too, and together, we can rack up debt or get a loan to help cover the costs of IVF or adoption if we later choose either of those. As much as debt sucks, at least I can acquire it if I want it.

And yes, I know what some of you are thinking. I know I've worked hard for what I have today (and I know many of you have, too). I know it's a combination of luck and really hard work. (C'mon, I'm an orphan! No silver spoons fed this mouth growing up.) But if I'd gotten cancer at age 30 like my mom, I wouldn't have what I have today. If my GM had gotten ill and needed caretaking when I was 19, I would've had to quit college and run home and be my brother's guardian and my grandmother's caregiver. I have worked hard, but some of what I have been able to accomplish was because I do get dealt a decent hand most of the time. Knock wood.


Melody said...

Sorry this one didn't work out for you guys. I feel you on the gratitude. One of my friends has been doing this about the same amount of time that we have-- only her insurance doesn't cover ANY of it-- not the meds, not the u/s, not the RE office visits, nothing. She is already to the point where it will take her 2 years to pay off the credit card debt she has acquired. We're only beginning to think about financing now. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, we are pretty lucky.

Holly said...

I'm really sorry it didn't work this cycle. The TTC experience is just a roller coaster ride of emotions. As more months passed with no success, we always convinced ourselves that we would be less devastated each month. I think we ended up becoming numb to the negative news.
I 100% love your gratitude!
When we were frustrated during the whole process, we had a very similar realization.
We were putting the sperm on a credit card, complaining about the price of the inseminations and how those straight people can do this all for free.
Then, we discovered many straight couples that had all kinds of infertility problems, etc.
We did consider ourselves lucky that Lois didn't have too many problems left over from the cervical cancer and LEEP procedures, that we were able to inseminate her after only one procedure.
We considered ourselves lucky that we could afford to put sperm on a credit card!
And we also joked that we were lucky to be a lesbian couple, where if she absolutely couldn't get pregnant, we had another uterus to try! LOL

Holly said...

BTW - insurance covered nothing for us either.
It's amazing how we would just look at each other and say, well, it's all worth it, right?
then put more sperm on the Discover card.

e. said...

Thanks for the reality check (and this is #2 from you this week - the other being at least we're gay women with wombs and not get gay men).

We're also putting our money on lucky number 6( a matter of hours).

vee said...

Gah! Sorry this wasn't the one, guys. Sometimes those negatives hit harder than others, so I'm glad you're not feeling too awful about this one.

Thanks too for the gratitude reminder. All true and it certainly helps me feel less bitter.

charlotte said...

shitty about the negative, so glad you are grateful.

Amanda said...

i am sorry to hear the bad news. We totally sympathize.

i also think that focusing on the good things is something we can all use. Even when we don't want to hear it, or it makes us feel angry to hear it because G-DAMN IT YOU JUST WANT TO BE PISSED! it's still a good thing.

If i didn't try to focus on those things (namely, just another month to spend solo with my beautiful partner), i'd go crazy.

Gretch said...

So sorry about the BFN. Good luck with the visit on Saturday and with making the decisions that are right for you as you (and your awesome gratitude) forge ahead.