So, I had a really hard week last week. I was depressed about being forced to take a break, while also having to ingest still more hormones (birth control pills). Having a bad cold didn't help certainly. Neither did the hormones. I have acted crazier in the past 6 months than I ever have in my life, and I really think much of it can be attributed to the various hormones that my body is absorbing all the time thanks to the world of reproductive endocrinology.
It also doesn't help that I don't feel like I have a right to be sad. Ever. In my family growing up, I was the stereotypical "hero" in the alcoholic family, especially after my mother's death. I had to be the strong one, the adult (even if I was 9), the one who counterbalanced whatever my father's actions had done to keep the family afloat. I wasn't allowed to lose it then. I still feel like I'm not allowed to lose it, even temporarily. And that if I do, then I shouldn't be trying to have a child, because I'm not going to be a good mother. I know that's crazy. I know I could call upon a great deal of strength if I needed to for Lo or for my hypothetical child. But any sign of weakness or humanity can make me question my ability to parent.
(Watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent last night, Detective Goren said that orphans typically become (1) overachievers, (2) substance abusers, or (3) con men. That's an oversimplification, but when Lo patted me on the head upon hearing that, as if indicating that she saw me in one of those things, I had to ask her to verify which one she thought was me. Just checking that she thinks I'm in category (1).)
There was another unhelpful dynamic at play this week, too. Lo has a real stake in this whole babymaking process, and every setback for me is also a setback for her. And we've known since early in our relationship that things are worst when we are both feeling down, because neither of us has the energy to fully support the other one. So, we were both dealing with disappointment.
So, it's been a hard week. But I'm feeling a little better now physically as well as emotionally.