Monday, February 12, 2007

Scraping Myself Up Off the Floor

So, I had a really hard week last week. I was depressed about being forced to take a break, while also having to ingest still more hormones (birth control pills). Having a bad cold didn't help certainly. Neither did the hormones. I have acted crazier in the past 6 months than I ever have in my life, and I really think much of it can be attributed to the various hormones that my body is absorbing all the time thanks to the world of reproductive endocrinology.

It also doesn't help that I don't feel like I have a right to be sad. Ever. In my family growing up, I was the stereotypical "hero" in the alcoholic family, especially after my mother's death. I had to be the strong one, the adult (even if I was 9), the one who counterbalanced whatever my father's actions had done to keep the family afloat. I wasn't allowed to lose it then. I still feel like I'm not allowed to lose it, even temporarily. And that if I do, then I shouldn't be trying to have a child, because I'm not going to be a good mother. I know that's crazy. I know I could call upon a great deal of strength if I needed to for Lo or for my hypothetical child. But any sign of weakness or humanity can make me question my ability to parent.

(Watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent last night, Detective Goren said that orphans typically become (1) overachievers, (2) substance abusers, or (3) con men. That's an oversimplification, but when Lo patted me on the head upon hearing that, as if indicating that she saw me in one of those things, I had to ask her to verify which one she thought was me. Just checking that she thinks I'm in category (1).)

There was another unhelpful dynamic at play this week, too. Lo has a real stake in this whole babymaking process, and every setback for me is also a setback for her. And we've known since early in our relationship that things are worst when we are both feeling down, because neither of us has the energy to fully support the other one. So, we were both dealing with disappointment.

So, it's been a hard week. But I'm feeling a little better now physically as well as emotionally.


b. said...

I'm so sorry that it's been a long, hard haul. And while my childhood circumstances were different than yours, I too know about that whole not-feeling-like-I-have-a-right-to-be-sad thing. You ARE allowed to lose it every now & then. You're only human, right? And it's been a tough road. I'm sorry that both you & Lo are having to go through this. Many hugs to you both.

FosterMommy said...

Yeah, that's how it is around here - if we're both depressed/upset/useless, it's almost impossible to bolster ourselves out of it.

Give yourself a break. What you're going through SUCKS. There's no use comparing to other people or trying to be thankful for what you have or any of that. Sometimes things suck and you have to let yourself feel that and be upset. Yes, it's upsetting for Lo, too, and that sucks, too. Doesn't mean you should feel any less upset about it.

I've had to remind myself that mourning the sad things doesn't mean I don't appreciate the good things. I do often believe that "things happen for a reason", but I still wish the bad things didn't happen. You know?

*hugs* I don't have any advice on how to tone down the overacheiver and let yourself be sad. but I'm just here to tell you that you DO have the right. And I'm sad for you, too.

vee said...

Sorry that you've been feeling shitty lately and glad to hear you're feeling a little better.
I dread to think what all those ingested hormones racing around your bloodstream might do to a girl!

I agree that things become extra hard when both partners are feeling down, though I don't have any advice to offer in solution to this. For me at least, there's something especially painful about a hurt that you know hurts your loved one too, that make's it difficult to be supportive.

Stay strong, both of you.

charlotte said...

I think it is appropriate and good (albiet unpleasant)to fall apart a little. I mean seriously. YOu are SO allowed. And so is Lo. And I know what you mean about both of you being down. It is such a bad scene in our house when we both need the other person to be the strong one, or the 'together' one. I really think you should blog more about what you are going through, becuase it really helps me. And again, you really are allowed to feel hopeless, sad, and fucking pissed off. This road is long and tiring and full of shit. It really is. When you get the baby it will be worth it, but until that happens it just FUCKING SUCKS. I'm glad you are feeling better, but I hope you still try to get a new RE...and I send you both lots of hugs and love.

calliope said...

so so sorry that you had such a shit week. Been thinking about you.