Monday, February 19, 2007

Timing Is Everything

I have read a lot of people recently write about how relieved the HSG results made them feel. "We haven't been shooting sperm up for there for nothing for several months. They say it'll up your odds for the next 3 tries or so."

I know some people who after multiple failed natural or IUI cycles are now embarking on Clomid. Maybe this is "the thing."

Don't get me wrong. I really am happy for TTCers who can feel that, if a tad jealous. (And I do hope that the HSG or Clomid is the thing for those people.)

But It's weird for me because I am at an ultra-aggressive clinic. I had to have the HSG before I even started. Not a choice. It was one of the things on my little checklist. I went on Clomid as early as my 2nd IUI (that was my choice, but it was made in part because I learned that a 'natural cycle' at my clinic involved a trigger shot and progesterone suppositories, so it wasn't really a natural cycle at all).

Now, the talk for me has turned to injectibles. I am not unwilling. But I think in part because I was pulled onto the ultra-aggressive wagon from the get-go, I can't feel what so many of the rest of you seem to feel when trying a new protocol. Hope.

Hope that this next protocol will be the one. Hope that the HSG will be like a roto-rooter for your insides and you'll get pg within 3 months (didn't happen for me). Hope that Clomid will get you pg (didn't happen for me). Hope that taking a break or stepping backward and doing a truly natural cycle might relax your body and allow pregnancy to occur (didn't happen for me).

I'll try injectibles. Maybe they'll work. I am even now thinking I might be willing to try IVF. But I don't have the hope that I see on other blogs. I fully expect that injectibles will be just like everything else. Not enough to change my outcome.

Bri told me a while back that she wished she had gone on Clomid sooner and she thought I was smart for doing it earlier rather than later. I know timing is everything in TTC, but I think that is even more true than I realized previously. Timing related to when you have a test done or start a protocol matters, too. I kind of wish I hadn't had the HSG before I even started or that that I hadn't gone on Clomid so soon. So, then maybe now, after just having had an HSG or just embarking on Clomid, I might feel like this could be the thing. I might have some of that elusive hope.

How could I be so hopeless after only 5 AIs? I must be the whiniest most loser-ish TTCer out there.


charlotte said...

YOU ARE NOT LOOSERISH! My god woman. 5 times is a lot, especially when you have already been trying almost all the interventions! Not to mention all the pre ttc planning and hoping and dreaming. And your body has been through all those interventions. I really want to hear honestly what is going on for you. And it sucks that you can't get some hope from clomid or an HGS, because those things really do feel like hopeful beacons for us. Balls.

I send you guys love and TONS of permission for more honesty, whining, and crying. That is what I'm hear for. To listen to yours and have you listen to mine. Oh, and BTW, you have lots of hope and gratitude thrown in there. And you apologize for that too. So please go ahead and whine more.

No apologies. This is a place to vent and share your process. Love to you and Lo.

Melody said...

I hear you. With each escalation I lose hope. I think to the step after this and that this is one more thing we have to try before we get to the inevitable IVF. It makes me feel even more hopeless when I read straight women's infertility blogs, and they act like IUI carries so little chance of success that it's not worth more than a try or two before they move straight to IVF. They have gallons of sperm at their disposal, and I have 1 mL/month. What hope do I have of getting pregnant like this?

You are not the whiniest TTCer out there. I've seen much whinier who have been through far less intervention than you have. But it's not a contest. This sucks, and we all have the right to whine about it.

calliope said...

I so know where you are coming from, but I do think that when you start injectables something will shift in you. For starters there is more control, more numbers, more MATH!!

I was aggressive with my tries starting on round 3 and each time I upped the dose or changed the pill. And yes- I was So one of those, "THIS is the trick that will make it happen" chicks.

Now that I am counting down to a possible IVF I am way more negative and pessimistic. go figure.

You have been so effing hard on yourself lately. I hope you embrace what Charlotte said- vent more!! There is no award for the blogger that bitches the most or loudest: just a chorus of women nodding their head & waiting to hug you.

ms.bri said...

For what it's worth, which isn't a lot since we are all so different really, I didn't ever feel that big burst of hope when I had the HSG and went on Clomid. I was mentally battered after a "mere" five tries just as you are and I only went ahead with the Clomid stuff because we had made a PLAN to try 10 times total. But I had no belief that it would work and didn't feel better to be on it. The only reason I can say that I wish I had done it sooner was that it worked. If it had not, well... then I wouldn't really care what I had done, I guess. But you are not a loser for feeling down after 5 tries. That was when it really got to me. Hang in there, hon.

vee said...

I agree with Charlotte - one fail or 15, it sucks, sucks, sucks. Especially with drugs and all the costs and associated stresses etc. There are no rules to say you have to feel hopeful, though I feel for you that you can't, but if it's not there, don't feel you have to put on a show for us.
Vent away. We'll try the hopeful thing for you from this end.

CD & SP said...

Nope, not loserish at all. It's all pretty useless. I can't even think about baby, nevermind pregnancy. We do it and then forget about for two weeks, test and repeat. Futile. We are also up for injectibles next round.