Accomplishment! & Our Weekend

First off, if you haven't already done so on this blog or another, please read Cali's story (at her blog or someone else's) and donate to help. I would not ordinarily donate -- let alone ask someone else to -- for another's IVF, but this is an extreme situation, and an extremely amazing person. Cali is a rockstar in the blogosphere, because she is one of the kindest, most generous, authentically caring people I have ever come across. (To wit: she is in this heartbreaking situation in part because she was trying to donate her own eggs to help another woman realize her dream.)

In other news:
We chose a pediatrician (which means I got to strike through the first item on our to do list on the sidebar). She was recommended to us by the ever-helpful LaGiulia, and we really feel good about her. PHEW. Now we don't have to sneak Flipper in to the vet's office.


We went up north for Nephew S's first birthday party this weekend. At one, his new skills include eating by himself (rather than being fed) and standing (though not quite walking). The party was a lovely event; my parents in the same room is always a risky proposition, but they both behaved beautifully. Since we won't see them again until Flipper is here (gulp), my dad gave us a ginormous stuffed dolphin that will be perfect for taking growth pictures of Flipper. (I'd post a picture, but we have yet to shlep him in from the car.) My mom gave me a copy of Confessions of the Other Mother.


We gave S. a drum, which he seems to like. Though he will drum on just about anything...

We also got a chance to peek in on Jude, Jen, & Gus. She has grown so much since we last saw her! (In August)




We arrived home a little late to see many bloggers at the local meet-up, but touched base with a few. These cuties are Pepito and Beckett, two of the cutest little tykes you ever did see.

Please, Please Do What You Can

I don't have a lot of words today, so I'll make this short:

Please go here and here to read Cali's story. And then go here to help her. I don't know anyone who deserves it more.

Latest Stats and the Case of the Haunted Breast Pump

So, I had another MW appointment today. They have a nursing student interning with them for the next month or so, so I got to watch a very green, very enthusiastic prospective future MW in action. I was asked if I minded her sitting in and doing some of my exam, and I didn't mind. I never minded having student teachers sit in my classroom either. Prospective whoevers have to learn somehow.

So, my latest stats...
Weight gain in past 2 weeks: 2 lb
Total weight gain so far: 25 lb
BP: 110/68 (lower than last time's 124/68 which I'm sure was exacerbated by my sobbing episode)
Fundal height: 34 cm
Flipper's HB: 160 (I suspect it was on the higher side because he was showing off his Donald O'C*nnor-inspired dance moves)

I found out that the mysterious pain on my upper right side, which is sometimes in the front, sometimes in the back, is probably just because my rib cage is expanding and some muscles might be irritated. Or else, it's a chain reaction of Flipper pressing up on my uterus, pressing up on my liver, or something like that. Nothing to be alarmed about. Just another one of those things.

And one of my neighbors, H., noticed for the first time today that I'm pg. When I confirmed it, another neighbor, J., with whom I'd been talking for about 5 minutes, said, "Really? I had no idea." I am totally showing now--8 months pg and all--but yup, people are still just noticing.

It turns out that H. is a doula and teaches hypnobirthing, so she asked me about where I was taking childbirth classes and delivering. I think it's funny that a doula/childbirth educator JUST noticed I was pg. I see her several times a week at least. It's funny that I've never asked her about her career before, too.

My neighbor, J., said something really sweet, about how she feels like a child can really solidify a couple's relationship and she thinks it's great that Flipper will have 2 loving mommies. J. has an adorable son of her own, who likes to open doors for me and Lo (that is, he likes to ask us for our keys and literally open the doors for us with the keys). He also is a big Maggie fan. Who isn't?

In other news, our car got sideswiped a little while ago on the highway and the jerk in the truck who sideswiped Lo drove off, without pulling over to fill out an accident report or exchange insurance or anything. The damage was substantial enough that it needed to be fixed--not some little ding or dent. So, we reported it to our insurance company and are using our collision coverage to pay for it. I wondered if I'd been stupid to report it to my insurance. Maybe the total damage would be $500 or less--equal to my deductible--and then I'd have wasted my time and alerted my insurance to a reason to raise my rates for no good reason. But it's less irritating now that I know how costly the damage was. The repairs will come to almost $1500. After our $500 deductible, that's almost $1000 that our insurance is kicking in. I know this could mean our insurance rates will go up, but I've been a loyal customer with this company, with no accidents (knock wood), for 7 years now, so I am glad that I don't have to cough up that extra $1000 myself.

The collision described above happened when Lo was driving home from buying our haunted, used breast pump. I guess the car gods looked down on us and said, "So, you want to save yourselves $150 by buying a used breast pump, huh? Let's just see how expensive we can make that pump for you!" So, yes, saving $150 is now going to cost us our $500 deductible plus having to rent a car this weekend to go to the party celebrating our nephew's first birthday and Lo's mother's 65th birthday, which is in a location several states away. Our insurance company *will* reimburse us a bit for the cost of renting a car while ours is being repaired, but I think it's still going to cost us about $165 to rent the car over the weekend, even after the reimbursement, since we're driving it so far and we're going to have to make up the difference added by the mileage and such. (And no, kenneling the dog + taking train/bus would be equally or more expensive than renting a car, so that's not a good solution.) Stupid, haunted breast pump!

MW Appointment

I can't believe I have another MW appointment on Wednesday. I feel like I just had a MW appointment, because... um... I did.

I have one every 2 weeks these days. I can feel that EDD coming up on us fast and furious.

Lists

As Co explained, we have a lot to do. As you all explained, we may not finish it all before Flip is born. But I just want to point out how much we HAVE done:
--Doula selected and deposit mailed in
--Childbirth class has just two classes left
--Pediatrician interviews scheduled (We made one interview with a doctor we think we'll like, and then a backup appointment we hope not to have to keep; the practice of pediatrician #1 was recommended by trustworthy local bloggers)
--Names legally changed
--Lawyer chosen, and wills drafted
--Co's new desk ordered
--Car repair scheduled for this week

Here is what we would like to get done before Flipper joins us:
--Names changed at least with Social Security (Co is concerned with getting his right name on the birth certificate; there's a local SS office with late hours so we should at least be able to get the application in)
--Wills signed (We just need to go over the draft and contact lawyer)
--Call super to do minor home repairs
--Get handy-person to move some furniture around
--It would be great to schedule a 1st home study and start gathering 2nd parent adoption documentation

The hospital tour may not happen, unless Co decides as we get closer that she'd really like to see it. I feel like we'll be able to find the place.

We have everything we would like to have for Flipper's arrival except for his bed/P*ck N' Pl*y, which we plan to order at 36 weeks just so we're fully prepared. I guess we should get some swaddling blankets too (we have regular blankets). (Everything else we can just hope we get as gifts :-)

I'm tempted to put this list on our sidebar and cross out the obstacles as we overcome them. Anyone want to email me code for strikethrough?

MW Appointment and Me Being Whiny

So, I had another MW appointment... with MW Apple.

Flipper's HB is good: 130.
My BP is fine--higher than usual, but not high.
My fundal height was right on target.
My weight gain was fine: 3 lb in 5 wks which brings me to 23 lb (although it was really 4 lb and she let me subtract 1 lb for my shoes)
Flipper is head-down, which is great. I'm not really surprised, because I don't see how he could keep kicking my ribs like he enjoys doing if he's not head-down. But, still, a huge relief.

Of course, despite all this, I spent the first 20 minutes of my appointment sobbing uncontrollably. I hope that midwives, like R.E.'s, are not thrown by this kind of emotional display.

MW Apple was very nice about the whole thing. I am just a big ball of stress. I was feeling very overscheduled. There just seemed like so much stuff that needed to get done FAST... medical appointments (MW and endocrinologist), doula interviews, childbirth education classes, pediatrician interviews, a hospital tour, finalizing our name changes, scheduling a home study, signing our wills... Some of that stuff we've finished recently or at least started, and the rest still needs to be done. We also needed to buy me a new, very small work desk so we can move my work station to our living room/dining room so our current home office can begin metamorphosing into Flipper's room (not that it's totally becoming a nursery yet... we just don't have room and he'll be sleeping in our bedroom at first anyway). We need to make some home repairs and car repairs. Meanwhile, I have tight work deadlines, am dealing with new work software that is needlessly driving me nuts, and am *hoping* I earn enough to afford me a 3-month maternity leave, but we'll see. I also really need to finish reading a couple of parenting books before Flip gets here, too.

Difficulty sleeping hasn't helped. Leg cramps, backaches, and anxiety have all been making it hard to sleep through the night, and that hasn't been making me feel better.

I've been taking long walks every day with the dog. Exercise and eating well are probably the only good things I'm doing these days.

So, anyway, this is the most boring and whiny post ever, but ... I've just been feeling like there isn't enough time in the world to get everything done that needs to get done. And feeling that way isn't helping me focus and make progress toward getting it done either.

But, since that appointment, I've been feeling better. Lo and I hammered out some compromises so I don't feel so overwhelmed, and that helps. I am also trying very hard to limit unnecessary social activities ... kind of taking the attitude that if something CAN give in my life, I should let it give because I can.

Anyway, that's what's been up with me.

Midnight Fetus Party

Last night I was up in the wee hours worrying about all those things that keep you up in the wee hours. I was lying with my arm around Co, hand on her belly (as has become my habit). And I felt Flipper kicking! I whispered Co's name, but she was asleep.

So, Flipper and I had some private time, while he kicked and rolled around, before I finally fell back asleep.

On the Upswing

This has been a stressful week for several reasons, but it's over now, and I'm enjoying the long weekend.

The good news: I went back to court, and our name change is official!! Thanks to JT for this site so we can get to work on the laundry list of places to change it.

And: I am godmother to a hedgehog. Does it get any better than that?

Famine

Okay, thanks for the advice, although Lo is the one who asked for it.

If you have a response to the original question--what must-have items do we need in our apartment from day 1--and haven't yet commented, please do. Otherwise, it seems like the comments are beginning to venture off on tangents. And some of them have wigged me out a bit.

I am not a multi-tasker. That's Lo. I like to take on one major life thing at a time. Right now, I am mostly focused on preparing for childbirth and earning enough money to have the luxury of a 3-month maternity leave. Lo is focused on getting our home Flipper ready. So, see, that's where we're at.

I will get to breastfeeding, I promise, and I will do so before too long. You don't need to remind me that time is running out. Goshdurned ticker!!!! How it mocks me!!!

In the meantime, please don't go on about breastfeeding to me until I ask... especially if what you want to say could be perceived as scary by a hormonal, stressed-out host organism with a creature living inside her who is currently trying to kick his way up through her rib cage. Wrong direction, little guy. You'll figure it out eventually, I hope.

Feast

This Saturday we went to Co's hometown, where her brother still lives, to meet up with him and his wife and go to the local Italian-American festival. It was a late celebration of his birthday and he wanted us (me, really) to experience the amazing Italian food in the area. Now, it was really, really good; but I was nonetheless amused that virtually every booth declared its quality to be the same as the city where we live. And had just driven 90 minutes away from to attend this festival.

I feasted upon (now, keep in mind this was over five or six hours): sausage and peppers, tomato salad, rice balls, clam strips, cannoli, plus we shared a pizza fritta (fried dough with tomato sauce and parmesan cheese), a bloomin' onion, and mushrooms stuffed with crabmeat. Yum.

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The other feast in my life is my baby bargains. Co eluded to my cr*igslist addiction, but didn't fully explain its scope. I now regularly stalk the list in three different cities (I have willing friends/family in two others besides my own). I have picked up the aforementioned breast pump ($100 for this, people), a nursing pillow for $5 on the street, and tomorrow's pickups: this swing for $25 and a h**ter hider for $5. It's become an obsession. I'm not much of a clothes horse, so I have never enjoyed the hunt for clothing bargains. But now? I get it. We have registries, and I take delight in removing items as I get them for free or cheap.

Recently I realized, looking at all the toddler toy/clothing posts on cr*igslist, that this doesn't have to stop with baby gear. That put a smile on my face.

***Interactive feature: what items would you recommend we *must* have in the house for Flipper's arrival? (Include the smallest things, like pacifiers, bottles...I know we need dipes and wipes!) We're not having a shower, due to the complementary superstitions of our respective cultures, but I don't mind leaving a few items on the registry for baby gifts once he is here, safe and sound.

Photo Friday: Fingers

So this is probably one of our weirdest Photo Friday endeavours. (Well. Maybe not if you consider the dog in the bra shot.)

I set out to take a picture of finger puppets, showcasing both Co's and my fingers. The puppets are mine from childhood; in the apartment I lived in as a toddler, I am told, I used the kitchen pass-through as a stage for my finger puppets.

Then Maggie jumped up on the futon and became a part of the shoot. So I present to you Ernie, Grover, and Maggie Mae:



(I'm got Ernie on my finger, and you can see my misshapen thumb. "Hammer thumbs" remains the top search term on this blog, so here you go, finger voyeurs, another reference and another peek. Yeah, we're lesbians who made a baby, but what's the real freak show? My thumbs!!!)

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Last week, the Photo Friday theme was buttons, and Co commented that she was surprised I hadn't participated. "You love buttons," she pointed out. Um, I do? I replied.

Oh. THOSE buttons.

Yeah, I have a pretty extensive button collection. Somehow I didn't make the cognitive leap. Here are some highlights:

A little 80s humor:



Old political buttons. The one on the left has taken on a whole new meaning. I'm curious to see if anyone recognizes the one on the right:



And just for laughs:

Overwhelmed

Disclaimer: This post is about me feeling overwhelmed. I am a little afraid some of you will read it and think I am unworthy of my wonderful Flipper or ungrateful for my pregnancy. That's not it. I'm just overwhelmed and thought I might feel better if I got it all out there. I am very happy to be pregnant. I am very happy that it's been as smooth as it has. And I can't wait to meet my son. But right now, I am crying and I have a lot of work to do and I just want to exorcise these feelings so I can do what I need to do today. So, here it is.

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I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed these days. We're at 30 weeks and there's so much we're doing and still so much we need to do before Flipper comes. We met with some labor support doulas and picked one. We've done our name changes--now it's just a matter of dropping off one final affidavit at the courthouse and it'll be official. We're about halfway through our childbirth education class, which some nights leaves me feeling slightly more prepared and other nights leaves me feeling like a hopeless wreck who is never going to be able to deliver and care for a baby. My midwife appointments are about to start becoming more frequent. We need to rearrange furniture so we can fit a bassinet/pack'n'play and changing table/dresser (which arrives today) in our 700-square-foot apartment. We have two consultations scheduled with pediatricians. We need to schedule a tour of the hospital where we'll be delivering. Lo has been crazily hunting down cheap baby buys for us on Craigslist.

On the flip side, I have work to do and have been having a hard time working to my previous levels. At a certain point, my back starts hurting too much to continue sitting in a chair and I have to lay down. I get tired more easily. I am more distractible than I am normally. And I am already feeling a little sad that this pregnancy is almost over. It's kind of hitting me that this is my one and only pregnancy and I'm trying to enjoy it. But I think I am going to miss the experience. It makes me a little sad that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it until fairly recently. I didn't breathe a sigh of relief until I hit the 2nd tri really. So, I kind of feel like it went too fast and like those first 14 weeks weren't really part of it somehow... that they were just part of the stressful TTC period because I spent them waiting for the floor to give out beneath me. And now, suddenly, it's almost over.

There's also all that other life stuff that creeps up--traveling to visit relatives, fixing our car which got sideswiped on the highway by a truck that didn't bother to pull over, and dealing with some apartment repairs that need to get done before Flipper arrives.

I have hit a point at which I really just don't want to schedule anything else if it could possibly make me crazy. I just don't want to run myself ragged. And I know that this is a bad attitude to have. Once Flipper comes, looking back on this last tri will probably make me laugh at it's cake-walkiness. I know once Flip comes I will be running on empty a lot of the time. But I feel like it'll be different. It won't be me going nuts trying to keep appointments or pick out furniture or prepare for Flip in some abstract way. I think once Flip is here, it'll be time spent with him and it'll just be different. But I obviously don't really know.

I am also just feeling oversensitive and unappreciated and pretty damn useless. I have nothing in my checking account right now and paid my estimated taxes this month using a credit card. It's not because I haven't *earned* money, mind you. I have. I just haven't gotten the check for it yet. The cash flow fun of being self-employed! It makes all those things, like paying to fix our car or repairing our apartment or buying baby furniture, so much more fun.

I am feeling sad that I will not be getting much support from my family once Flip is here. That's not because my family doesn't love me. They've been very supportive and my Aunt Ro (really my dad's first cousin's wife, so she's not technically my aunt) even wants to throw us a *baby shower* after Flip is born. But the reality is... I only have one close living relative... my brother. I have no real uncles or aunts and no first cousins. My brother will be loving to his new nephew, and is talking about driving here to meet him as soon as he's born. But he has never set foot in my city the whole time I've lived here so I'm not counting on that actually happening. My brother is an alcoholic with his own problems. My parents are long dead, so my mom won't be coming to help with the baby. If I go to 42 weeks, there is actually a chance that Flip will be born on my mom's birthday. I really hope Flip doesn't end up sharing a birthday with my mom. That would just make me sad, I think.

I'm just stressed and overwhelmed, I guess, and terrified of what kind of mom I'll be.

Kid Quote of the Day

"We did a lot of learning today!"
--J.B.

And no, you can't have them, they are MY seventh graders. (After last year's slugs I deserve this. I assure you. Also come January I fear they will not be this cute.)

Last Minute Advice on Doulas

We have our first meeting with a potential doula tomorrow afternoon. What should we ask?? (My pregnancy organizer does not have a checklist of doula questions. I am at sea.)

(Scroll down for deeper post.)

Being A Lesbian Teacher

Before I begin my ruminations, I must share today's kid quote of the day. It is more of an anecdote. During Community Service period today, we were encouraging small groups of students to come up with community service projects that were appropriate for a variety of communities: their school, town, country, and the world. One group was brainstorming countries that "needed help." One girl suggested that Iran was a "poor country." I said, "Okay, so what do you think they would need help with? What do they need?" She thought a moment, then said, "Weapons?" The others agreed.

Yes, folks. My kids want their community service to be providing weapons to Iran.

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I am an English teacher. (Actually, I am a Humanities teacher, which means I teach both Social Studies and English; but in my heart, I am an English teacher. That dichotomy is a whole other story.) Anyone out there who is an English teacher, or an elementary school teacher, or has been anywhere near a school lately, probably knows about the Workshop Model. Many people have written about the Workshop Model by now, though it is often attributed to Lucy C@alkins/Te*cher's College (though I prefer it as articulated by Nancie Atw*ll). In brief: this model requires that you teach "minilessons" (anything more than 15 minutes of direct instruction is verboten in many schools) and then the children have reading/writing workshop time where they pursue their own interests in said subjects.

At the school where I work now this actually works reasonably well (how this worked in classes of 30+ kids who had never been allowed up from their desks before, and who generally had trouble getting through a class period without drawing blood, is the subject of perhaps an entirely other blog).

A feature of this approach is the highly confessional teacher. I suppose it's not required, but all of the examples I have seen (both in books and from staff developers) involve a lot of showing your own process as a reader and writer, which involves sharing a lot of information about your life. In general, this doesn't bother me. In fact, in many ways I am an ideal person to model "reading" and "writing" habits because I am passionate about both enterprises. I really do keep a writing journal, my 28th in a long line of battered composition books dating back to the 6th grade. I really do read voraciously, and write compulsively.

But...and I imagine some of you know where I'm going here...it's hard to be completely honest. The women (and it is almost invariably women) who have served as my models (in books and in person) talk frequently about their families. They put pictures of their kids on their decorated journals (because your journal has to be decorated, you know; I think this is a fun exercise for kids, but I'll be damned if I'm doing anything to mine beyond my traditional coloring-in of the white parts of the marble). I regularly have to cut off whole sections of my interests and personality, both as a lesbian, and as a person with a family of my own. (Let's just say I didn't put "Queer Literature" on my list of Reading Territories.)

However, I have long suspected that this would have to change when we had a baby. I work at a small school where a fair number of kids have parents on staff. I'm entirely out to staff (and therefore, to some kids). Last week, when I introduced the kids to Reading Workshop, I went ahead and listed "parenting books" as one of the genres I read. I explained that I was going to be having a baby in a few months, and that my partner was pregnant. I think there may be a few kids who didn't quite get it, but most of them both understood, and were excited (well, excited was the girls; I hate to be stereotypical, but it really is the adolescent girls -- I teach 7th grade -- who get excited about babies).

It hasn't come up again. I don't have a pregnant belly to remind them. But they're a sweet bunch, and I am both relieved and excited to be moving forward, coming out again and again and again.

The Last Name Post

So we have finally been to civil court to start our name change process. We have been talking and stressing and pondering names since we got serious in 2002.

We both have three-syllable, identifiably ethnic last names. My mom says that together (like on our doorbell) they sound like a law firm. Hyphenation was just never an option.

We know people who have hyphenated (in a variety of ways). We know people who have combined letters in both last names to create a new name. We know people who have chosen new names entirely. We know people who have chosen to keep one partner's last name.

For a while we were planning to combine pieces of our two last names, thinking we would keep our last names, and we'd be identifiably Flipper's parents because his name would have elements of both of ours. But then Co got cold feet. And ultimately I agree with her that it was not the best idea; we wouldn't all have the same name, and the combo name was kind of goofy sounding. It is not a great sign when you share your kid's theoretical last name and people's first response is to giggle.

Finally -- very recently -- out of the blue I came up with a name that combined the beginning syllables of my last name, and the ending syllables of Co's grandmother's maiden name (Co identifies deeply with the ethnicity of this grandmother, who raised her). I will change my last name to this new name and keep my middle name. Co, who has no middle name, will keep her last name as a middle name and add on our new last name.

And so the three of us (!) *will* have the same name. The Family O.

Photo Friday: Light

For this week, I chose the sunset photos I took on Cape May this summer. I am not a serious photographer, and I certainly don't have a serious camera, but I like the way these came out.

The first two are at the beach where we took Maggie most evenings. The third photo is from the dolphin boat.

Of Blogfriends, Dachshunds, and Jewish Holidays

We met Melody! It's always great to put the words to a face, and we're looking forward to getting together again later in the year. I regret only that she cannot attend Sing-along Buffy with us this weekend (email me if you're interested).

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Maggie has had a tough summer. First she had an itchy belly covered with bumps that turned into an infection. The vet thinks it's a skin allergy, so she's had two different shampoo treatments all summer for that (she *hates* baths) plus a round of antibiotics. But the bumps kept coming back. The vet decided to try a hypoallergenic food...right around the time poor Maggie got a case of the squirts. She was on rice and baby food for about a week, but then we finally transitioned her to the new food. No sooner had she firmed up again, but: frequent urination, and blood in her pee. That was scary, but it seems (knock wood) to be a urinary tract infection that is already clearing up with antibiotics. My rockstar Co actually caught a urine sample from our little lowrider.

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Tonight begins the celebration of the Jewish New Year (L'shana tovah!). We observed this occasion by going to childbirth class. Before that, we enjoyed a festive meal of greasy Chinese food (our name for fast-food Chinese to distinguish it from the quality place). I am not always the most precisely observant Jew, as much as I might care about the traditions. (And it's not *inappropriate* to celebrate a Jewish holiday with Chinese food...) I am going to services tomorrow, but probably not on Friday, because we are going to civil court to begin our name change process. Both the name change and the childbirth class do not feel inconsistent with the New Year. (More on the name change in a future post...)

Various & Sundry Updates

"I can't wait to do community service! That sounds so cool!"
--B., on looking at her middle school schedule

That is today's 7th grade quote of the day. My kids this year are SO CUTE. And after last year's poorly trained orangutans, I am about due. Yesterday's quote of the day:

"Don't we have any new kids? Don't they have, like, a draft?"
--R., the sports fan

In fact, we do not have any new kids in the 6th, 7th or 8th grades, thanks to an experimental school policy. I'm immensely grateful, because for the past five years the local school district has actively encouraged children they consider too incorrigible (and in one unfortunate case, violent) to head over to our (charter) school. I truly believe our school can do wonders for a difficult kid...but not if they enter in 7th grade. (We're a K-8.) All this to say, the year is off to a good start.


In other news, Wednesday was our first childbirth class. Our instructor is actually a sort-of relative of mine (my cousin's aunt), and Oneofhismoms is an alum of the course. Starting class really made Flipper's arrival seem realer. It was the first time I've had any clear understanding of labor and I'm starting to believe we might be having a baby. Yikes.

In other oh-my-God-we're-having-a-baby-news, we had a prenatal appointment yesterday. Co took the glucose challenge. And Midwife S. informed us that at our next appointment, they'll be checking to see where Flipper's head is located. Good heavens.

My First Day Of School

Today was the day! I went back last week to set up my classroom, but today brought the children, school in its shiny, vibrating, chaotic form.

I love the first day of school. I always did. I was the kid who looked forward to shopping for school supplies (at W*olworth's of blessed memory). Even now, I love setting up my little drawers of paper clips and glue sticks, sharpening pencils, setting out fresh markers and watercolors. I love using colors to set up my classroom...the labels, the paper, the borders. I had a minor freak-out earlier in the week because when the St*ples order came in, my new Sh*rpies were back-ordered and my red had run out. This meant I could not write the kids' names on their mailboxes in rainbow order. I rallied, however, and chose to write their names in variants of blue and green, to go with my ocean-themed decor this year.

I start the year with a unit on exploring identity (through poetry and other writings), so I traced a small mardi gras mask from a template online and then cut out twenty-three of them in different colors, and wrote each child's name on one.

I'm a little freaky about this stuff.

I sincerely enjoyed meeting my students today. I've been told they are a sweet and, at times, even studious group, and I'm looking forward to a good year with them.

So here, as part of the extended Show & Tell Photo Friday, are some pictures of my classroom. I snapped them this morning before the children messed up my perfectly ordered domain. Click on each picture to see the notes.

This Weekend...

...we made $104 for the Flipper Fund in a 2 day stoop sale-stravaganza!

Last weekend, we got to see this:





And this:

How Do We Choose A Doula?

Help, please.

We want to set up a "meet & greet" with one or two of the local doula organizations, but how do you pick who to meet from a list of bios online??

Thanks in advance, oh wise IVP.

Photo Friday: Show & Tell

I'll start with Co, because she has the coolest thing to show: her bump! At six months in, she is really looking pregnant. This picture is from 23 weeks 4 days (note our lovely B & B in the background):




I, however, have undergone a mild makeover to assuage my pain at going back to school, so I present to you my newly purple toes, and touched-up auburn hair:





We're off now for a whirlwind weekend baby tour: Nephew S., Squeak, and Gus.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

*Stayed at the most wonderful, friendly, pet-friendly B & B. Seriously, I recommend this place for anyone remotely nearby (C*pe M*y).

*Went to the beach. A lot. In our family, people and canines alike enjoy the beach. (The black lab is my mom's dog, Buster.)

*Saw dolphins. Also a lot. Over 500 dolphins from North Carolina spend the summer months in C*pe M*y. You can see them daily from the beach, and you can go on a dolphin watch boat. The captain of this particular boat tells all his passengers how poorly dolphins fare in captivity (they survive only 5 years, as opposed to 50 in the wild) and urges us to see them in the Atlantic, their natural habitat. It's truly amazing and we could do it every day. The dolphins love the boat; they play in the wake and seem to show off for their audience. Here's the best video I got of their antics.



You can see many other local sights from the boat, as well.

*Spent a few days with my mom, which were mostly pleasant. (She always talks about joining us on our beach vacation, so I didn't think much of it when she brought it up. Imagine my surprise when she followed through!)

*Zipped over to Wildwood to see Oneofhismoms, partner A., and the ever adorable Cakie. We played mini-golf (complete with annoying singing pelicans), admired the baby on the beach, and dug big holes.

*Watched Maggie hunt a mussel. Yes, she hunted a mussel. She is so weird. Something about the scent must have triggered the same instinct that causes her to hunt domesticated hamsters (to her credit, she has hunted and killed two mice). Note the instinctual pawing, snapping, and jumping back. Clearly she has something to fear from this particular prey.



*Played skee-ball and other boardwalk games. I played Whack-A-Mole (actually the version of the game was whacking alligators) because, I maintain, it is just like teaching.

*Ate lots of great fish, ice cream, fudge, and other beach food.

*Brought home delicious Jersey produce. Jersey tomatoes & peaches...mmmm...

Two Years

Two years ago today...










P.S. 1st photo by A. & S. Last photo by Fostermoms.

Photo Friday & Off to the Beach

This is a cheater picture because it's not from our neck of the woods. It's from our trip to California. This redwood was on display at Henry Cowell State Park (near Santa Cruz):



This tree was almost 2000 years old. Wow!!!

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Also, we are off to the beach tomorrow!! Wheee! We love to read on the beach, jump in the waves, and take Maggie to the dog-friendly beaches. (There is a small possibility that I/we will be checking in to comment, depending on wireless access. Otherwise...see you in a week!)

Lesbian Lawyer

Today we met with our lawyer for the first time, yet another addition to Team Flipper. We really liked her. She went over all the details of second parent adoption, estate planning, and name change with us (another post forthcoming on *that* issue). The end result will be pricey, but worth it, and we're hoping to deduct some to all of it as part of the Adoption Tax Credit.

Our lawyer is "family" and she and her partner have a daughter. Her firm specializes in LGBT law and that feels right. Also, her office is in the Emp*re St*te Bldg, so on our way up to the office we saw a man in a large King Kong outfit. That, I'm guessing, is not part of a typical lawyer's visit.

EDIT: We also did some reconnaissance shopping and picked out Flipper's (first) bed! I was very excited. Then we stopped at P*tSm*rt to get a crate for Maggie; we're taking her on vacation and wanted a secure way to leave her in our B&B room while we're at the beach.

Guess whose bed was more expensive.

Feeling Rich!

We finally met Lagiulia for the first time today (despite living practically around the corner). She is lovely, and her twin boys are positively adorable. Plus we found out that we went to the same (very small) college! LaG generously handed off many of Picchi and Pacchi's former things...clothes, toys, bottles, you name it.

I can't believe how much stuff we have! Thank goodness for basement storage. It makes me really happy to have so many well-loved items for Flipper.

Here's a picture of the bouncy seat:

She wasn't fond of the vibrating setting.

Also, in keeping with Sacha's recent video of Finn rolling over, here's some footage Co got yesterday:



And for good measure, here's what happens 'round here at dinnertime. Every day. (Make sure your sound is up for full effect.)

Photo Monday: Our Art

I'm a little late on this one, but hopefully you'll find our art worth the wait. ;-)

The first piece is a metal sculpture that hangs on the wall. It was a wedding gift from a cousin, who bought it at a fair he attends out in Oregon (where he lives) every year. Co calls it "Two Women Holding Hands...They Must Be Lesbians."



Second is our ketubah (a Jewish marriage contract). Though we are not married legally, we are married Jewishly. The ocean theme in the ketubah art was perfect for us, and I *love* that there's a rainbow incorporated in a non-cheesy fashion. The gold lettering around the circle says (in Hebrew) "Ani dodi v'dodi li" which means "I am my beloved and my beloved is mine" (from Song of Songs).




In other news: we met up with some NYC bloggers this weekend. It was great fun!

And I felt Flipper kick once. Hoping for more soon...

8 More Things About Lo

Oneofhismoms tagged me, so here you are, 8 more random facts about me. And boy, are they getting more random (I've done this one twice before). I will make Co do this as well. It's been too long since she posted.

Here are the rules:
Let others know who tagged you.
Players start with 8 random facts about themselves
Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts
Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. I have great teeth. I saw the dentist on Tuesday and he said mine were the best teeth he had seen all day. (This makes up for my doctor's appointments. I'm quite healthy, but everyone has something to say about my weight.)

2. I can touch my nose with my tongue. I can even stick it up there, a little bit, which leads to...

3. Sometimes, I have the sense of a humor of a 7th grade boy. I hope Flipper appreciates that.

4. Every so often, I like to spend a whole day in my pjs. This drives Co crazy.

5. I am fiercely loyal to Macintosh. My father, who made us Mac girls, has gone over to the dark side and now owns a Dell. Hmph.

6. I have never seen an entire episode of "Friends." Until recently, this was true of "Seinfeld" as well.

7. My two best friends in college were straight when we met, and lesbians by graduation. Mwa-ha-ha.

8. I can lift one eyebrow. It scares students. :-)

I don't know that I can tag anyone who hasn't done this one. So I'm sorry if you've done it but here goes: Marci, J., Meg and Kim, A., Sarah, MermaidGrrl, and Sophia.

Of Midwives & Registries

Our midwife appointment went smoothly. Midwife A. measured Co's fundus for the first time. It was 22 1/2 which is fine for 21 weeks (fundal height is roughly equal to number of weeks pregnant, so it's on the big side). Flipper also measured larger than the stats in our pregnancy books at the ultrasound (he was almost a pound) so Co is slightly concerned that he will be a big baby.

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As per my pregnancy planner, I've set up registries for Flipper. We're more than happy to get as much secondhand/borrowed gear as we can, so hopefully I'll be taking items off of it.

I sent the links to my parents, just in case anyone asks them for the information. We're way too superstitious for a shower but setting up a registry didn't bother me. Apparently the superstition actually weakened in passage from Mom to me, however, because the very idea freaked her out. She's excited to sponsor a naming for Flipper at our congregation, though, which really touched me.

So on the topic of baby gear: what do we need??

We have a stroller, and will be using Nephew S's infant car seat since any day now he will be graduating to his big boy seat! I have a pretty good idea what we'll be getting for Flip to sleep in (Graco P@ack n' Play Tr@vel Lite). Grandmom (my mom) has put herself down for the changing table/dresser (if you have recommendations for a good combo let me know!). A particular mystifying issue is the Diaper Pail. We will probably be using disposables*. Suggestions? And what other Stuff is essential? Both general advice, and mentions of/links to specific products, welcome.


*a) Laundry is in the basement, not our apartment, and not many washers/dryers for the number of apts in the building.
b) Shared washers means no control over detergents that go in the washers.
c) We will look into cloth diaper service but have heard through the grapevine that that's no longer available in our neck of the woods.
d) That is all. No discussion necessary. :-)

Photo Friday: Pink

It's been too long since I participated in Photo Friday! I don't really have a lucky charm. And I'm not sure what my favorite T-shirt is. (Co did give me one with three dachshund back-ends and the caption "Nothing BUTT doxies!")

I present to you my little cousin S.:



She is 5, and her favorite color is pink. This is not the pinkest outfit she wore while we were there. Apparently it's a new, and socially-influenced phase; her favorite color used to be green. My sister was obsessed with pink from the age of 2 or 3 and S. reminds me of her...the nursery school teacher even took my mom aside to ask her to put my sister in less frilly clothes, so she could get dirty and play outside...and my mom had to explain that she could not get my sister into anything BUT pink frilly dresses.

California in Depth

I started going to CA for my training, in a town called S@n Anselmo. I met Co at the airport when she flew out, and from there we headed into the city (S@n Fr@n). We walked around the C@stro a little, then headed to P@lo Alto where my cousins (my dad's first cousin P. and her husband M.) live. Their teenage daughters (12 and 14) were fighting over a hair straightener, and the house looks like a B@th and Body W*rks explosion. Ah, the joys of adolescence.

We spent a day in the city, where we visited tourist attractions extraordinaire: Fisherm@n's Wh@rf, the C@nnery, Ghir@rdelli Square (YUM). We both loved seeing the water, and I got a huge kick out of the sea lions. I even took video.

Then we drove south to my first cousin C. (I only have one) near S@nta Cruz. She has two kids, 5 and 20 months, and I last saw them just over a year ago. Oh, the changes! C. and her husband R. have a small RV, which was pretty cool to see. We drove it over to a park with amazing redwoods. There is one tree with a hole inside that you can climb into...apparently people used to rent it as a honeymoon suite!! We also went to the beach, and had the lollaberries (alollaberries? I am really wondering about this).

I started reading HP 7 on the plane home, and I'm savoring it, though Co may lay down the law soon so she can get her turn. I am looking forward to the conversations with you-all! But am obviously keeping my head in the sand for now.

More updates soon: today's midwife appointment, and registry questions.

Level 2 Ultrasound: Flipper Revelation

Flipper is...a...BOY!

(The sono tech said this was his "gender." Actually, "sex" means that he has XY chromosomes, while "gender" is a construction of society. Personally, I think that some people mistakenly think that "gender" is a more correct term because it sounds fancier. Or, my lovely wife suggests, because they're afraid to say "sex.")

He also appears to be healthy.

And his ears stick out. (Co says these are the cursed ears from her family -- her dad and her brother had/have them too -- but I think it's adorable.)

The doctor used the word "big" to describe his boy-part. Should Mama be proud? Co wants me to erase that line, but our compromise is that I'm revealing myself as the tackiest member of our partnership (hello, I think you all knew that).

We also found out a few days ago that Co's friend, CF, who shares her due date, is also having a boy.

Winner of the sex-guessing pool TBA. (I still want to blog more about our vacation, too.)

Home Again Home Again

We're back!

A longer post about our time in CA will come in a day or two. Here are some teasers:

*The training I attended is for a program called S.E.E.D. It's really meaningful, delves deeply into issues of racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, and other such forms of oppression. A rare opportunity to really recharge my batteries as a teacher. I'll be happy to share info with anyone who's interested!

*We had a great time visiting cousins from both sides of my family. We partook of fun tourist crap in S@n Fr@n and hung out with my two endearingly teenaged cousins in P@lo Alto. Then we went south to see my first cousin (my only one) near S@nta Cruz. She has two kids, 5 and almost 2, and they are too adorable and delightful. 5-year-old S. was really excited about her cousin Flipper, and even introduced Co's belly to her playdate ("Slipper" in S-speak).

*We had lollaberries for the first time. Anyone know what these are? They were really, really yummy. The little cousins picked them and the grownups made lollaberry crisp.

*We got to see Charlotte and LM, if briefly.

*Even though I said I would wait 'til I got home to pick up HP7, I broke down on the evening of 7/21 and called bookstores in P@lo Alto until I found one that had copies left and was still open. I'm not proud that it was a chain, but you do what you have to. (We finally get to see the movie tomorrow!!)

Notes from Northern CA

I write this from the dorm room that I'm sharing with another participant in a week-long staff development training. We're being housed at a boarding school in Marin County. Even I have to appreciate the Nature of the place, it's really quite beautiful. (I'm always struck that different parts of the country, and of the world, have distinctly different scents based on the vegetation.)

I will write more about the training when I get home because educators, you must get this into your schools. Amazing, amazing stuff. (But for now I'll be vague so as not to betray my exact whereabouts.) For now I'll say this: it's the first multicultural training I've been to that is truly integrated, probably half white and half folks of color. There's also diversity in terms of gender, sexual orientation, and class to some degree. Several black men have commented on how great it is to be with other black men who are engaged in the process. How often do you hear that?? Good stuff.


A final nerdly note: I've never been successful in listening to the radio on an airplane, but for some reason, it worked on the trip out here. I could have sworn that in the past I've only gotten static.

Anyway, I listened to my walkperson all the way across the country. I heard local stations as we rose above New York...then Lancaster, PA...then Harrisburg...then Ohio...then Illinois...then Nebraska, Kansas, Colorado, and Wyoming stations all came in at once (that Four Corners thing)...then Utah (hi,Chicory!)...Nevada...Sacramento...and finally San Francisco.

I found this to be amazingly cool. I hope I can do it on the way home.

Photo Very Very Late: Fun in the Sun

(Scroll down to vote in Co's poll, below!)

This topic was meant for us, since Co and I love the beach. Truly love. We are both serious worshipers of the ocean, and love to ride the waves. (Though we also enjoy lying on the sand with a stack of books.)

Last summer we took a belated honeymoon (our wedding was in 2005) to a wonderful, LOO retreat in St. Cr*ix. This picture is of the beach literally in the backyard of the resort. Click on the picture to see the rest of the set.




We seriously recommend this place if anyone is looking for a place to go in the Caribbean. The prices are extremely reasonable (it's the airfare to the USVI that made the honeymoon a splurge).


Here are some pictures that show our long history of beach-going. We are both two in these pictures; Co's (the first picture, with dark hair) is at Wildwood on the Jersey Shore, mine is probably on Cape Cod though I'm not certain.


Finally, here is a bonus pic, of Maggie at the beach. Oh, you thought we'd go a Photo Friday with no Maggie pix, did you? Fear not. Maggie also loves the beach. She's not such a fan of the waves, but as I've noted elsewhere, she loves to dig, run on the beach, chase birds and the bubbles in the ocean, and of course, scavenge for gross things to eat. Here she is in Cape M@y, where we hope to go later this summer. It's a great spot for dog-friendly beaches!

Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?

Yes, we went here! There are many more pictures on flickr (click on any of the pictures in this post to see the set).

It seems that 7-11 has, in order to promote the upcoming film, transformed a select number of its locations into Kw*k-E-Marts. Co read about this on Sea Inn Inn (thanks, Cali) and then, being as she is a crazed S*mpsons fan, we found the one in our neck of the woods. Look here to see if there's one in your town.

It was a ridiculous amount of fun. We were so not the only lunatics there with cameras, shooting away, while a few ordinary customers squeezed past and wondered what was going on.

Co bought a limited edition R@dioactive M@n comic for brother J. who, like Co, heavily peppers all conversation with S*mpsons quotes. You can get a Squ*shee, B*zz Cola, Kr*sty-O's, and pink donuts, though they were out of everything but the first item. The photo-ops were endless...

Legal Aid

We are looking for a lawyer to help us with: creating wills, possible name changes (post on that drama forthcoming), my adoption of Flipper. Ideally, the same person would handle all of it. Anyone who lives near us (in the Apple) have any recommendations?

Co found this site through a G00gle search but that's our only lead.

Good News in the IVP!

Welcome baby August!!

And a big congratulations to the new mommies, Jude and Jen.

Photo Saturday & Funny Reactions

So here is our red picture:



When we heard the theme, there wasn't any question as to what we would post. Maggie is, after all, a red dachshund. In fact, she is maybe brindle or mahogany; she's red with a black stripe that starts at the top of her neck and goes all the way to the tip of her tail. She's a rescue, so no one ever told me the official name for her color.

In this picture she's wearing her red bandana that says "Boss Lady." We put it on her because once, when Co was walking her, a passerby saw our 12-pound wonder trying to drag her Mommy (while Mommy said "Come on, Maggie!") and the stranger said, "Who's the boss? Maggie's the boss!"

We repeat this phrase often in our home.

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Here are the funny reactions: today was the annual 4th of July picnic at Co's brother's mother-in-law's (follow that?) house. Brother J. had told friends and family about Flipper, and some even greeted Co's belly by name. It was really sweet. J. shared this story about telling family: He called one of C's aunts, Aunt M., who responded with excitement, and shared the news with her husband -- Uncle V. -- while she was still on the phone. Uncle V. said (J. could hear him) "Co's pregnant? How tha fuck d'tha' happen??"

A colleague of mine, who has been home with her baby this year, saw Co at our school's 8th grade graduation and made her as a pregnant lady (my colleague knew we'd been trying). When she told her husband she thought Co was pregnant, he responded, "Way to go, Lo!"

Way to go, Lo, indeed.

(Now scroll down and read my other post!)

Gobbets

The title is the word my synoptic gospels professor used to refer to a chunk of text. (e.g. that one had chosen to work with for a paper)

*First of all, a big shout-out of joy to Art-Sweet because GUATEBABY IS COMING HOME!!!

*We went to a wedding this past weekend. It was great fun, a truly joyous occasion. At the reception, a boy toddler paid a great deal of attention to Co. One of the many old wives tales I've heard about how to predict the sex of your fetus is: if a boy toddler pays attention to your belly, it's a girl. If a boy toddler ignores your belly, it's a boy. (Heterosexist much? Not to mention that there is no interpretation of a girl toddler's behavior; boys get all the agency.) Now technically speaking, the toddler flirted with Co, not so much her belly. So is Flipper a girl? Is the little boy gay? (Or, as Co insists on pointing out, did she just look a bit like his mom?) (Pix up at flickr family/friends, should you care.)

*I am done with school! This means I get paid for sitting on my ass. However, I always get really anxious and stressed out that I am not being more productive. I am trying NOT to do that.

Thusly, here is the first edition of Lo's Highly Opinionated Movie Reviews: We saw Knocked Up in the actual theatre, and rented The Messengers and Children of Men. The former was extremely funny, but beware if you have TTC issues at all. Nothing like an "oops!" pregnancy to make you crazy. The Messengers, frankly, you can skip, but we both like stupid thrillers. Children of Men...well, it was just so dark. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone TTC. Or pregnant. Or with kids. Maybe I just wasn't in the right mood, but it seemed terribly bleak and too easy to imagine. And it didn't seem like a call to arms in the way The Handmaid's Tale did.

Plus, I've been taking advantage of the twice-daily showing of Str0ng Medicine. I was so sad when that show was cancelled...quality health-care is my old-fart fantasy. And of course, Rosa Bl@si is hot.

We also got professionally measured for bras at M@cy's! (I was excited about this venture, but really, it was just a lady with a tape measure. It was free though so the letdown wasn't too severe. And sure enough, I've been wearing the wrong size.)


*On my List of Scary Things To Do Over The Summer is: make room for Flipper. Our apartment is pretty small and we have expanded to fill it. Today I took some measurements that make me feel cautiously optimistic. I'll keep you updated. In short, we do not have a whole extra room that we get to dress up as a nursery. The current plan is to move a piece of furniture so that we can fit a small bedlike thing into the bedroom (we're thinking of this at the moment, comments and advice very welcome, though no promises to follow it). Then we'll move things around in our office so that a changing table/dresser and some shelves can be kept there.

Resolution: Dr. Take-a-Breath

So, I've told you this before, but... my wife rocks. She is the greatest when it comes to making pushy phone calls and pretending to be me.

We finally called the pulmonary specialist while someone was there and they wanted to give us an appointment for next week. If I had my Pulm*cort in hand, that would've been fine, but it's been 2 days and my PCP has not yet bothered to call my pharmacy back and tell them which dose of the Flexh*ler to give me. Given that my PCP erred and told me Flov*nt was Cat B when it wasn't thus creating this crisis and then gave me a scrip for a phantom turbuh*ler that no longer exists, I am not at all pleased that she didn't call my pharmacy back for 2 days. I might write a letter.

So, no longer counting on my PCP to deliver, I wanted a sooner appointment. I need a safe scrip, dammit! So, Lo played the "but I'm pregnant!" card and they fit us in same day. Hurray!

Dr. Take-a-Breath was exactly what I needed, not because I needed a pulmonary specialist, but because I needed a doctor who would be nice and reassuring and not treat me like the first asthmatic ever to get knocked up. She thought it was good that I'd switched from Adv*ir to Flov*nt before getting pg because she said she would've been more concerned about me taking Adv*ir while pregnant because it has Ser*vent in it and that is known to make asthma get worse and cause deaths in rare cases. I told her what I knew about the animal studies involving Flov*nt and how since I was 4 mos. pg, any damage was probably already done. She just smiled and told me my baby was going to be fine. I know she can't possibly know that, but I liked that she just wasn't worried at all. She basically kind of saw the sitch for what it was... this is my first baby, I am anxious and want everything to be okay, and my PCP got too flustered by fears of malpractice to help me so she passed the buck to a specialist, but I didn't really need to be there because my asthma just isn't that serious and is easily controlled by inhaled corticosteroids and a rescue inhaler and all I really needed was for someone to write me a scrip for a medication that actually exists and stamp it with the letter B to make me feel better. She told me she wasn't concerned about the Flov*nt I had already taken. She said, "I want you to take some breathing tests if you have some time tonight to do that, but after that, I will write you a scrip for whatever category of med you want. There are a lot of meds that are completely safe to take during pregnancy. Don't worry. We'll take good care of you."

Being taken care of instead of being made to feel anxious? Really? Doctors can DO that even while you're pg?

So, I took the 4 breathing tests. It was more than I've ever done before. I've done the one where they make you blow into a tube as hard as you can, but the tests I took last night involved a weird glass booth and pinching my nose shut with a clip, and of course blowing as hard as I could through a tube at times. The tests were probably unnecessary but I didn't mind her being thorough as long as I was there.

Anyway, 30 minutes later, the weird breathing tests were done and I met with Dr. Take-a-Breath again. She told me my breathing test results were good and showed that my asthma was well-controlled by the Flov*nt and we should keep it controlled during pregnancy with a different inhaled corticosteroid. She told me unequivocally that Pulm*cort was completely safe during pg (unlike my PCP who said it was Cat B/C, not Cat B) and gave me a scrip for the highest dose of the Flexh*ler. She gave me enough refills to last the duration of my pregnancy and told me I didn't need to see her again unless my asthma got worse. She wished me good luck and sent me and Lo on our way.

So, finally, a resolution. Finally, I can breathe.

That's Right... I'm Going to Complain

I have been loathe to complain about my pregnancy on this blog. Yes, I had a post about rhinitis of pregnancy and have alluded to my vomit fests and my tingling/numb thigh, but I really have tried not to go on about it.

I have been loathe to complain about my pregnancy thus far because (a) I am just so thrilled to be pg that I kind of haven't minded the physical stuff very much (and I liked having symptoms because they were reassuring), (b) I tend to downplay my physical ails to most of the world as a general rule so I've continued to do that during pregnancy, and (c) because my symptoms haven't been truly debilitating so I don't feel like I have a right to complain.

But I'm going to complain about the psychological ails because I am not as equipped to cope with them... namely, anxiety. I have always been prone to anxiety. Not enough to be diagnosed with a disorder. I've done scales with a therapist and everything and they never qualify me for a diagnosis. But despite that, I am a pretty anxious person.

What are you supposed to do with anxiety when you're pregnant? I can't go for a hard run, which is my favorite anti-anxiety strategy ordinarily. I've been exercising daily by walking, but walking just isn't the fix that running is for me. I can't have a glass of wine or overindulge on chocolate (sugar crosses the placenta). I am really not cut out for meditation, I don't think, but at this point, I'd probably try anything if someone has a good concrete, safe-for-pregnancy suggestion for me.

Safe-for-pregancy. That's a laugh because that's the cause of my big anxiety at the moment. Before conceiving, I tried to do everything right. (I realize that's a big part of my problem. I'll get to that later.) One of the things I did was make an appointment with my PCP and have her switch all my meds to safe-for-pregnancy Category B meds. For example, she switched up my inhaled corticosteroid asthma medicine from Adv*ir to Fl*vent, and told me that Fl*vent was "Cat B."

When my MWs told me that Fl*vent was Category C, I wasn't too alarmed because I remembered the conversation I had with my PCP. One of the MWs even said that her reference book was an older book, so maybe it had been changed to Cat B, but that I should check it out with my PCP.

Well, I did. I wasn't wrong that my PCP had told me it was Cat B. She had even written that in my chart. She was wrong about Fl*vent being Cat B. It is clearly Cat C, according to every single source she looked it up in. She must've read it wrong somehow. Apparently, animal studies have shown Fl*vent to cause slow embryo growth and birth defects (specifically, cleft palate) in mice, rats, and rabbits. There are no well-controlled studies on pg women to say either way if the same is true of human fetuses. Hence, the Cat C classification.

The appointment got frustrating after that. My PCP first tried to switch me to a whole new class of Cat B drug called mast cell stabilizers (Crom*lyn). I asked if those were related to Singul*ir, because I'm severely allergic to Singul*ir. (Yes, I'm allergic to an allergy medicine. What can I say?) Even though Crom*lyn is not related to Singul*ir, me noting my propensity for allergic reactions scared her off of switching me to a whole new class of drug that I've never tried before. She switched me instead to the Cat B/C inhaled corticosteroid Pulm*cort. My MWs and severa sources list Pulm*cort as Cat B. Pulm*cort is considered safe to use during pregnancy because there have been controlled studies involving pregnant women who used it and no teratogenic effects were found. However, my PCP said it wasn't Cat B, it was Cat B/C because some sources still considered it Cat C. So, the rub is... everyone agrees that Pulm*cort is less effective than Flov*nt in treating asthma, but there is not universal agreement that it's Cat B. Still, I'd rather take that than Flov*nt.

My PCP passed the buck and has referred me to a pulmonary specialist who has the wackiest hours ever and I haven't even been able to speak to someone about making an appointment yet. So, during pregnancy, I apparently must see 2 specialists that I never needed to see when I wasn't pregnant: an endocrinologist and a pulmonary specialist. It's making me feel like I'm too sick to be pregnant. If that's true, why didn't someone tell me that before I got pg? My R.E. and my PCP both knew I was TTC. No one told me I was too sick to do that.

So, my PCP prescribed the Pulm*cort Turbuhal*r for me, but I don't have any Pulm*cort yet. That's because apparently the company now only makes the Pulm*cort Flexhal*r, which comes in different doses than the older, no-longer-sold Turbuhal*r. So, my pharmacist can't give me any until my PCP calls back and tells him which dosage of the Flexhal*r to give me. So, basically, right now I have no safe meds for controlling my asthma in my house, except my Albuterol inhaler, which doesn't treat my inflammation.

In case you're wondering if I could just go off all the inhaled steroids, that's the other thing that all my medical professionals seem to agree that I shouldn't do. It's a risk-benefit thing. The potential complications of me having a severe asthma attack during pregnancy are much worse than the potential complications of taking a Cat C medication. An attack during pregnancy could mean Flipper goes without oxygen and that of course could result in death or developmental disabilities. A severe asthma attack isn't likely if I go off the inhaled steroid meds though. They're anti-inflammatory meds, so most likely I'd just have tightness in my chest, shortness of breath, and wheezing. Could I live like that for the next 5 months if I had to? Sure. Would that be better for Flipper? Probably not. Me choosing to live with uncontrolled asthma will increase my risks of premature birth and all kinds of other bad things. So, again, it's less risky to take a Cat C med than to not control my asthma for the rest of the pregnancy.

(Oh, and I already tried going off it anyway, against medical advice. I didn't tell Lo. I just stopped taking the Flov*nt to see if maybe I was one of the lucky 1/3 whose asthma improves during pregnancy. Three days after stopping the Flov*nt, Lo told me she could hear me wheezing and that my breathing didn't sound good. She asked me point blank if I'd stopped taking my Flov*nt and I fessed up that I had. So, basically, the answer is... if I stop taking an anti-inflammatory med, my asthma is not going to be controlled. If only it were that easy.)

The worst thing is... now I'm really anxious. If the Flov*nt was going to do any damage, it's probably already been done during the first tri, when I mistakenly thought it was "safe-for-pregnancy".

Not being the most rational person on Earth, I have already convinced myself that I have given Flipper a birth defect. (I haven't slowed his growth though, because he has measured ahead at every u/s.) Now, if Flipper has a cleft lip or a cleft palate, that really isn't the end of the world. I know that. And if that had happened and it was just one of those random occurrences or something, Lo and I would be upset, but we would love our little Flip and deal with it and ultimately, it would be fine. But that's different from knowing that Flipper might have a birth defect that I CAUSED. I mean, really, shouldn't I at least wait until the kid is born before f**king up his life?

And I know there's a good chance Flipper is fine despite the Flov*nt. Lo keeps reminding me that I'm not a mouse or a rabbit.

But that just doesn't soothe me. Maybe I'm keyed up from the hormones so the anxiety is worse than usual. Maybe I just have been trying too hard to be perfect during this pregnancy and can't deal with the fact that I am not. Maybe I am just furious that my body isn't healthier than it is.

So, sorry, but I'm going to complain about this. Maybe I'll feel better after complaining. Maybe not. But it's all I can think to do.

Photo Friday & Our Weekend

I will start with my entry to Photo Friday:


That's Nephew S's foot. We (me, Co, Nephew S and his parents, my mom and her husband, and assorted friends) spent the weekend here.

I have waxed cheesy, if not eloquent, about this festival on the blog before. Suffice to say that I felt at home, and at peace, for these two days, in a way I do not usually.

Photo documentation is, mostly, of babies. Last year the Canon was still new, and most of my pictures were attemped-artsy photos of the river, the weeping willows, perfomers taken with the optical zoom. This year? Between Nephew S. and Squeak, there was plenty to photograph.


An exception: here's Co enjoying a tasty treat from the food vendors. She wasn't able to finish it, though (I guess it looked better than it was?? I'll stop now...FYI, that's Ghir@rdelli chocolate. mmmmm).

This year I wasn't crazy about the musical line-up (which in some ways I prefer, because it's more relaxing to wander about, picking up literature from the activists, browsing the crafts, and plopping down the blanket to soak up some sun and music whenever the mood strikes, as opposed to tightly scheduled concert times). But, I present to you:






S. listening to Pete Seeger:


S. listening to Buffy Sainte-Marie:




Finally, here is S. in his Father's Day shirt. (It reads,"Real Boys Wear Pink," and the back says "And my daddy eats quiche.") My sister noted that the first day of the festival, when S. was wearing blue overalls with sailboats (see pix above), people asked whether he was a boy or a girl. On day 2, in the pink T-shirt, people (obviously didn't read it) and assumed he was a girl. And this is, at least in theory, a politically radical crowd! Good grief. Flipper definitely needs one of J. and S.'s onesies!

And then, thanks to wonderful friends....we came home to a stroller in our apartment! Aaaah!

More pictures on flickr. Many are public, some are private, email if you want access.

Prenatal #3

We saw the midwife today and we heard Flipper's heartbeat!! We were both a little anxious, 'cause we're superstitious that way, so it was a relief. (The midwife wasn't at all worried, of course.) She didn't measure it exactly but said it was in the 150s or 160s. It was a wonderful, steady, loud sound, and she found it immediately. Swim, Flipper, swim!

We'll be scheduling the anatomy scan, when we will find out the sex if we can, in 5 to 6 weeks. Wow!

EDITED BY CO TO ADD: Our Nuchal Results were about 1 in 6200 for Downs and 1 in >10,000 for Trisomy 13 and 18. Sounds good to us.

I told my MW about a weird symptom, which I've had for several weeks. Tingling and numbness in my left thigh. She said no one really knows what causes the tingling/numbness symptom in some pregnant women, but it happens. Another patient of hers has it also. It's hypothesized that it's caused by the expanding uterus pressing down on nerves or blood vessels. But no one knows. And there's nothing to be done about it. Mostly, my experience is that it's worse at night when I lay down and it's just a weirdly annoying sensation. There was one night it was so intense I couldn't sleep. But it was only that bad once. My MW said her only suggestion, if it gets really bothersome, is to try acupuncture.

So, that's that.

My Week So Far

It has been a tough week. At one time, I fantasized that once we got our BFP, there would be no more tough weeks. We would just float through each day on silver-edged clouds, smiling beatifically at each other.

Um, nope.

I finally finished my report cards over the weekend, with Co's amazing editing assistance. I only have to write 28 (this year), so I genuflect to folks like Bri, and the Spanish and P.E. teachers at my school, who have to write reports for a schoolful of brat - er, children (274 in our case). But my 28 are lengthy narratives and they come right out of my gut.

That was a good thing. But I started the week tired, and I still have to deal with ordering stuff for next year, and putting together a binder that shows what I did with the children all year and how it meets the state standards. And pack up my room.

Then there is some ugly friendship crap going on that has been taking a lot right out of my gut (and adding to the sleep deficit).

But here are the good things:
1. 6 days until school is over (even if I do have to finish all the above crap in the meantime)
2. 15 weeks today!
3. Midwife appointment tomorrow. Hopefully we'll hear the heartbeat. I'm a little nervous, as always.
4. Co dealt with her stress over the friendship thing by making her yummy Speci@l K cookies. Um, the cereal people, the cereal.
5. I heard from a friend who has been out of the country, and I have been out of touch with, for about 7 years. And I will probably see her again in a few weeks!

Now B@rt S1mpson is rapping on the tube, and Co is making her yummy sauce. I guess things are not so bad...

Pride and Photo Friday

Today was Pride in our borough. Big City Pride is in a few weeks, but I haven't been in years now. It has become corporate (most disturbing because so many of the corporate floats are alcohol-related) and, to me at least, unmanageably big. So I especially love Borough Pride. This was its seventh year. It takes place outside our front door, conveniently enough. There's a stage in the park, and a small area called "Kidspace" where families put down blankets and listen to the music. (I got teary-eyed thinking that next year, God willing, we'll be there with Flipper.) There's a street fair all day, with tons of cheesy street fair stuff, but also plenty of political tables and other queer-related information. People of all sorts come to the fair, in many ways it's just a party for the borough, and I love seeing Orthodox Jews, straight couples with their kids, people speaking all manner of languages, all perfectly happy to be out partying with the queers.

Maggie at the Pride street fair always reminds me of Templeton at the county fair. She scoured the ground for treats and got lots of attention. We unexpectedly bought Flipper his/her first onesie (that we paid for). We haven't been tempted to buy anything baby-related at all, and we already have a bag of hand-me-downs in the living room and more coming...but this item was a necessity. It's navy blue with the name of our borough in green, spelled out using the symbols you see in the link.

The actual parade is at night, which is a fun switch-up. Lots of kids running around with glow sticks and rainbow paraphenalia. We marched with our congregration. The whole neighborhood comes out to watch, sitting on stoops and balconies and fire escapes, hanging out windows, lined up on the street corners and sitting in outdoor cafes. There are no barricades, so as Jennifer was remembering about her own city's Pride in the past, you can still run up and say hi to friends along the way, and jump in and out of the parade (I remember when Big City Pride used to be that way, but it's been a while).

This morning at services, our rabbi announced Co's pregnancy and publicly wished us "B'shaa tova." (That literally means "May it come at a good hour" and, according to my Israeli cousin, is a wish for the baby to be born at an auspicious time. In modern Jewish superstition it means, don't say Mazel Tov 'til the baby cries.) So Flipper was welcomed by our Jewish community.

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For Photo Friday, we decided to show you the back of our front door, because it's more interesting than the front. This is the door harp my mom and her husband gave us for our wedding.



The door harp is a tradition in my family. My mom read, and passed on to me, a book called Davita's Harp. (I wholeheartedly recommend it.) The door harp is a potent image in the book, so when we saw a crafts vendor selling them at our annual folk festival, Mom and I were excited to buy one. I was ten. (Just to clarify, I did not actually read the book for several more years, it's not a book for a ten-year-old.) That harp hung on the door of childhood homestead #2 until my mom sold it after my parent's divorce, ten years ago. My peripatetic (not to say unstable) mother has lived in six homes since then, and the door harp was mostly up, though I realize as I write this that I haven't seen it in her new place. I hope she still has it. Anyway, Co and I gave my sister and her husband a door harp when they got married, and then Mom gave one to us. Mom calls it a secular mezuzah.

Photo Friday: Weekend of Warm Fuzzies

We headed north this weekend, where we had several warm fuzzy adventures that made us both smile inside and out.

Western Mass Blog Bash was this weekend, and since it was held in the area where both my mother and sister live, Co and I saw no reason to resist another bloggy party. We stayed with my mom and got to see my sis and hang out with our now 7.5 month nephew, S.

I fall more in love with S. every time I see him. Because he reminds me of my sister as an infant, because he is a family baby, because he is his own delicious self. So he is the first warm fuzzy. There are many, many more pictures of on flickr but I'll hold myself to one on the blog. This is S. sitting in my sister's and my old wooden high chair, playing with our old toys (the apple and the blocks). There are many pictures of both my sister and myself at roughly his age, sitting in that high chair, with that same apple toy, that look virtually identical. My mom even had a yellow pad on the chair back in the '70s.



The main event of the weekend was the big blog get-together. We saw those we'd met before (E. and A., J. and S.) and met some wonderful new folks (new being a relative term given our blogging familiarity): Jude and Jen, CD and SP, and K. I can't say enough about what a good time I had, and how full-up I felt after spending time with these women. I can't wait to get together again. I do feel as though, to quote our IVP sister Cali, I made Friends this weekend. It's a good feeling. (This warm fuzzy goes without a photo here on the blog; pix are friends-only on flickr. Email me if you want to be added.)

Other warm fuzzies from the weekend include our very first baby gift from my mom (a board book of the Very Hungry Caterpillar with a matching stuffed toy, from the Eric C@rle Museum); and our very first baby hand-me-downs from my sister. Co got some great maternity clothes (handed down from our California cousin, who has impeccable taste!) and my sister gave us a bag of S's tiny-baby clothes, blankets, etc. We also saw my high school English teacher, now a family friend, who regaled us with tales of her own births in the 1960s. We've come a long way, ladies...

Finally, it is truly inconceivable (pun intended) that we'd post about warm fuzzies and leave out our warmest fuzzy of all. Here is Maggie, the first baby, snoozing on her Grandmom's couch. Co snapped a pic because of the odd position.