Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Ugly

So, I posted the cute pix and the fun highlights of the weekend. But with my family, there's always a dirty underbelly.

My mother didn't do anything for our first Mothers' Day. I was a little sad about that, especially since she made a big fuss for my sister's first Mother's Day last year and then told me all about it. But her brother was dying, and then he died, and I understood.

This weekend at the music festival, she whipped out Father's Day cards, one for my brother-in-law, and one for her husband that she hastily made my sister sign. (Sooo tacky; her husband has been wonderful to both boys, but he's not our father, and Grandpa Father's Day cards need to be our choice.) I was hurt that she would make a public fuss over Father's Day after ignoring Mothers' Day. I checked in with my sister, and sure enough, Mom had gotten her a belated gift.

I had it out with Mom today. She was apologetic, and explained how she'd been frenetic and impulsive because of her brother's illness and death. And, you know, I understand. I guess.

But it hurts. It hurts so deeply. Even in her impulsiveness, she thought to honor my sister and her husband. Those actions came naturally. She didn't honor us for raising our hard-won baby boy (my sister has let it be known she got pregnant on the first try). She didn't honor the motherhood that, for me, is both natural, and a daily struggle against the world; or the motherhood that Co achieved after putting her body and soul through the wringer. Parenthood is beautiful in all its forms -- my sister's motherhood, my brother-in-law's fatherhood, are no less worthy and powerful because they came by it easily or because society honors their roles on a daily basis. But if Mom had to forget somebody, why us? Why the pair who already exist outside the norms of society and the legal system?

I forgive her, but it's going to be harder to forget.

13 comments:

vee said...

Ouch. That's gotta hurt. I'm sorry she didn't see fit to acknowledge you both. Only makes her less of a mother though, not yous.

Melody said...

Oh this hurts me for you. Mothers can be so thoughtless and cruel.

B said...

Not fair, not right.

I'm glad that you had it out with her and let her know that her thoughtlessness didn't go unnoticed.

While it's not the same, not even close, let me wish you both a happy belated Mother's Day. You're both doing wonderful things for Jo. You both deserve celebration and recognition. No amount of thoughtlessness can take that away.

jessie said...

I hate the ugly. Good for you for telling her how you felt. I wish Greta would do that with her mom. I'm so sorry.

CD & SP said...

that totally sucks. i am hurting for all those times partners and non-bio parents and non-"traditional" family members get shoved to the side. it hurts. brava for you for telling your mom how you feel--i've yet to work up those sorts of guts.

Jen said...

Oh, Lo. That's just wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that crap.

babypants said...

Yuck that is such crap. I am sorry. Mothers can be so very difficult and insenstive. I am sorry that is goinig to be part of your memory of your 1st mothers day.

meanmama said...

I'm sorry. It's so hard when a parent hurts you like that.

gypsygrrl said...

it's so hard when our parents hurt the deepest parts of us. and still dont seem to *get it*...

i dont have anything else to say... just to know you are loved and thought of...

xo,
gypsy

Clare said...

mothers! it is just a long term reminder of what we do and and don't want to be for our own lovely boys!

EggDropBlogger said...

Oooh! I am so sorry your mom forgot to celebrate you. You deserve to be celebrated. You're great! xo

amarilla said...

I'm not your mother, but here goes, Happy Mother's Day, Happy Mother's Day, Happy Mother's Day, Happy Mother's Day everyday, you really deserve it!

Silly Bus said...

I'm sorry, Sometimes parents may hurts you..