Tuesday, April 10, 2007

We Are Crazy

We are anxious people by nature, so maybe this is no surprise, but:

I am so superstitious that I have not felt comfortable buying pregnancy books yet (though thanks for your many recommendations). We've decided to go to a bookstore after Friday's ultrasound if it goes well.

The domino effect of this superstition is that when Co stops feeling nauseous, or has mild cramping, or sneezes and fears she has dislodged Embryo-O, we are left with Dr. Google and our dear, dear Internet buddies. Those of you who have received my frantic emails....thanks. Gettin' books on Friday, we hope.

Co has changed shampoo brands. Her clothes are uncomfortably tight but we're too superstitious to get the hand-me-down maternity clothes we have coming to us from my sister (plus my sis has warm weather clothes, not too useful in the Northeast's current version of spring).

We are both happy, too, of course, and immensely grateful. But we both feel awfully convinced that something could, even will, go horribly wrong at every turn. I'm not sure why that is in my case...perhaps that this is such a pinnacle for me. There is no other goal, no other wish I have nourished as long or as consistently as my desire to be a mom. There is nothing I have ever wanted this much. Do I deserve it? I am afraid to think so.


bri said...

Oh, ack. There is no DESERVE. There is only science here. (That sounded like Yoda, no?)

The second time around, I took some strange... comfort isn't the right word. Fatalism...? from thinking that at the point where you are, it was very likely that what was done was done. Since half of all problems are chromosomal, that's a done deal at this point and there's nothing to do but wait. We know waiting. We're good at waiting.

I know there are other possible problems - progesterone, or crazier things. But with all the testing and preventing and treating, that stuff is likely being taken care of or not an issue for you.

Buy the books when you're ready. I will report, having done it both ways now (books bought years before the penguin, read voraciously for the weeks I was pregnant... and then, almost entirely ignored until 2nd trimester this time around, other than the occasional desire to read a few paragraphs about what was happening that week), that the reading gets more exciting in the 2nd tri anyway. There's way more going on, they look less like an alien lizard, and the information goes beyond, "You probably feel sick and gross right now! Congratulations! Try sour candy and small meals!" Gee. Thanks.

The other thing I can report, though, is that I am starting to feel behind because of my neglect of my books. I feel like I suddenly have A LOT of reading to do in the next 18.5 weeks - breastfeeding and birth and baby care... ack. Not to mention trying to decide on a crib and other crap like that. But at least there are 2 of you to read and research. Wes insists that I read and report to him. He does furniture research, though (surprise, surprise, right?).

Hang in there.

calliope said...

This so sucks that there is no relief after getting knocked up. Totally unfair!

I agree with Bri (always do) & just buy books and whatnot when youa re ready.

thinking of you.

Co said...

I do find comfort, Bri, in what you said about problems at this point being pretty much predetermined, unavoidable, and no one's fault (bad luck). And thanks to the hoo-ha bullets, I don't have to worry about progesterone levels being deficient.

The more I think about the anxiety the more I am reminded that if all goes well, that means the anxiety will never end. You never stop worrying about your children, not after the 1st tri, nor after the 2nd, nor after the birth, nor when they're 1, or 2, or 18 and off to college, nor when they're 25, 30, and so on. So, if all goes well, I'd better just get used to it. And if it doesn't, then it doesn't.

Sara said...

OK - I have been out of the blogging scene for a few months, so I have just caught up on your news. I just wanted to say Congratulations to you both!!!

Mo said...

I was incredibly superstitious during early pg and I kept some of that superstition through the whole pregnancy, but most of it went away somewhere in the middle. Hang in there. There's nothing wrong with you because you're anxious about this, and I definitely agree with Bri's perspective that what's done is done, so try not to sweat it. Yes, I still worry about my kids, but the uncertainty you go through during the first tri is different IMO. I'm sure you will handle all these phases of worry very well.

fostermama said...

The day before Squeak was to be definitely ours, FosterMommy went MIA for half an hour. She forgot our new schedule and left work an hour late, but for the half hour between when she should've arrived home and when I called her receptionist and found out she'd just left... OH the panic!

Getting what you want most is scary, I guess. At least for some of us. I think I drive FosterMommy a bit crazy with how morbid I get around major accomplishments or strokes of luck.

And it always seems like I should just let it go, but then I'm afraid I'll be less vigilant or I'll jinx something. *sigh* I guess I'm just saying I know how you feel.
*big hugs*

ArtSweet said...

It's so not about deserving.

Because you guys totally deserve to be parents.

I will be crossing my fingers and holding my breath and hitting refresh like a madwoman tomorrow.