Monday, June 08, 2009

Limbo

Yes, it has been over two weeks since my RE appointment. I called back the following Thursday, heart in my mouth. Because I'm a teacher it's not easy for me to make phone calls during work. I waited impatiently for recess and pulled out my cell phone. But there was no nurse available to speak to me; they would call back, I was told. The nurse who called me back said, "Oops, not yet. Wait another seven days to find out if you have any chance of fulfilling your lifelong dream of pregnancy!" Well. That's not exactly what she said. A paraphrase, if you will.

So I called back this past Thursday. I was considerably less excited and actually forgot to call until recess was almost over (it's scrambling-to-write-reports season). Once again: "Oh, those tests can take THREE weeks. Surely you don't mind pondering your fertility for another seven days?"

I don't think about it every minute. I can't, with a toddler in the house and those aforementioned report cards breathing down my neck. But somehow, the longer it takes to find out my results, the more I sink into assumed infertility.

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I've started several posts here about my results only to abandon them. My feelings about this blog are in limbo, too. When we started out, it was a way to participate in a community around (largely) lesbian baby-making. But that community has morphed; we're still in contact, but more often through FB and message boards these days. Honestly, I wish it weren't so. I can't write about my fertility on FB. Can you see the status updates? Ha. And I can't write blog-length personal posts on message boards. Well, I can, and I have; but I don't like to make it a common practice. This is my place to talk about me. But I wonder about the audience, not because I want to be a famous blogger, but because I used to imagine my circle of women reading. And now I don't know quite who I'm writing to anymore.

I want to clarify that the whine here is not about lost readership or popularity, it's about change. God, do I hate change.

12 comments:

nycphoenix said...

im here always reading thru g00gle

we plan to be in bklyn saturday for the parade wanna meet earlier for dinner, snack, hello?

Jenny said...

Wanted to say hello - found your blog through the lesbianfamily blogroll, I believe, and am in a similar boat as you in the pondering potential infertility as the nonbio mom of kiddo #1 (due in a few weeks in my case). I'd be really curious to read about your TTC experiences, so I hope you continue to blog!

Co said...

Statistically speaking, fertility is more likely than infertility. So, you should assume fertility until proven otherwise. (Not to mention, diminished ovarian reserve wouldn't mean the end of your lifelong dream. It would most likely mean moving to aggressive measures to get you pg instead of natural cycles.)

projectkjetil said...

Ah, good old assumed infertility, my dear and true companion. I get where you're at right now, and I'm sorry those results are taking so danged long. I read somewhere that a study was done with people who received terrible medical news (cancer, I think). It compared their biophysical reactions to waiting for the news and receiving it, and found that the waaaaiiiting is indeed the hardest part. But you already know that. Your heart's in your shoes every time you talk to them. I'm sorry.

I'm hoping for good news, and will be thinking about you. I'm glad you have Co, and love her reaction to this post. You'll get there, whether you do it the easy way or the hard way, you'll do it. And you'll have one heck of a cheering section, be it in blogland or FB or Twitter.

Anonymous said...

I'm here, waiting with you. Hoping for the best.
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Melissa said...

I'm still here too!

twomomsarebetterthanone said...

Lo, I am really sorry about the limbo you are in. I hope the damn results are back soon!

And I totally hear you on how the blog community has changed. I feel so distant from my blog and keep thinking of pulling the plug. It just does not feel the same anymore and it seems like a lot of people have moved on. You're right FB is great but there's only so much you can say there...and I for one don't plan to say anything about our upcoming TTC endeavors.

oneofhismoms said...

message boards confuse me. I'm still here and will be here as long as you want to write. blogging helped me so much while i was on my journey. i hope you choose to keep doing it. it is nice to have a self-indulgant place that is all about you.


and another thing... i had "diminished ovarian reserve" and i also had a baby. it just took a while. but it takes straight people with fresh sperm who are targeting their ovulation around a year. so, fasten your seat belt. you're going to have a ride with a gold ring at the end.

jay said...

i'm still reading too and i always will, as long as you write.

and agh, how annoying are those people! just tell you already.

hugs xx

PS your wife is right.

Shelli said...

I'm reading, through bloglines. I think THAT's what's changed blog reading - I used to have bookmarks, and now, I just have a blog reader - and I only pop over when i want to comment...

I should comment more.

Melody said...

I'm still here too. Never time to update my own blog, but I do still follow my blog buddies!

Malea said...

I mostly lurk and don't say much because as you've said things have changed. Reaching out to people IRL is a lot more beneficial as blog commenting does't seem to transcend cyberspace.

Either way blogging should be for you and about you.Keep it up until you don't need it any more.