Monday, March 13, 2006

No Sperm For You!

So PKD said no.
It was a qualified no -- his partner wasn't so comfortable and we have the sense he is interested but if one's partner is uncomfortable, well, that does make it hard. So that's that. I guess I can't exactly blame the other party for hogging the sperm. Well. That there is a lie. I can, and I do, and I am, but I am trying to get over it.
This means we will need to use a Sperm Bank. If anyone has any positive suggestions, we sure would like to hear them. I know Charlotte had a good meeting at the Sperm Bank of California. Anyone know anything about Pacific Reproductive Services?
I was so excited. We were going to redefine family. We were going to have a baby with a cool guy. And it turns out we're not doing any of those cool things. We're just going to buy some sperm. I am trying not to feel like the biggest loser in the world.

26 comments:

Co said...

I wish there was a way for me to earn the money we need for the sperm bank fund without getting no sleep and screwing up my charting for the next four months.

They screw you on both sides, I tell ya. Maybe Lo should go first.

Lorem ipsum said...

I'm so bummed for you.

Definitely educate yourself as much as possible. Estelle had a horrible experience with her bank; the donor has passed on a skin disorder to several kids (including her little boy) and the bank has yet to even admit it. So frankly I'm all for using someone you know if at all possible.

Maybe PKD knows someone?

art-sweet said...

Ah, Lo&Co, that sucks. I'm sorry.

We used California Cryobank... they were pricey but got us the goods when we needed them.

My big piece of wisdom: If you're working with an RE, see if they can store the juice for you. That way you can order more than one at a time, and not pay the exorbitant shipping fees more than once.

Trista said...

No no no. You are STILL redefining family in a cool way. Really. You are. You're just going to be doing it in a slightly different way than other people are doing it. How cool is that? I think that's awesome! So you don't have a known donor you're still embarking on an exciting journey. Am I cheering you up here or just sounding know-it-all-y and obnoxious? Cause I do mean it. Which ever way you two create family is going to be exciting and wonderful.

And besides, till you're knocked up, you never know what can happen. Known donors have been known to turn up in strange places...

Trista said...

Oh, I just read Art-Sweet's comment. Another price-saving option is to get your own tank. At least I heard it's price-saving. I never looked into it myself. I just heard it was because then you just have to ship the once and maybe you can even negotiate a discount on a bulk purchase???

Email Estelle, that's what they did. Of course, now they have a tank full of sperm that they probably won't use and can't in good conscience sell back to anyone.

Adriana Velez said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear about that! Too much -- but I know you're going to make it some day.

Lo said...

Lorem, if we could use someone we knew, I think we would. But it's pretty, well, complicated. (Also there are sperm banks and there are sperm banks....I have the name of The Sperm Bank That Shall Not Be Named, and, uh, we will NOT be giving them our business...however, there are a number of lesbian feminists in California who I trust.)

mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh Lo, you are SO not a big loser. It's not as if you are being rejected - the issue at hand is the partner, not a criticism of you guys. I know it sucks, but it might suck worse if you used the PKD and then there was issues with his partner that made things uncomfortable for your family. I read in a blog somewhere about a woman who used a known donor and then the donors girlfriend confronted her and screamed at her at the accupuncturists office! AAt least I'm pretty sure that's how it went... the girlfriend accused her of having "stolen" his sperm from him and that she was going to take the mother to court to get the baby or something equally horrifying. I so wish I could remember whose blog that was in! The poor girl was getting accupuncture for her morning sickness at the time too, and got kicked out by the accupuncturist for causing a ruckus in the reception even though it wasn't her fault at all. We felt disappointed too when our PKD didn't happen for us, but we've felt excited choosing a donor now too! I look forward to hearing about choosing your donor girls :-)

Co said...

mermaidgrrrl, you're completely correct! The thing is... sometimes I feel like I use the blog to get out my frustrations. Lo and I tried letting all our frustrations hang out two nights ago, and well, when we're both down, that's always a bad idea. So, we use the blog and our friends and let the less-down folks say the stuff to us that we need to hear (even though deep down we know it).

I emailed SarahandBB, and Sarah put it a great way. (Hope you don't mind me repeating this Sarah.) It was something like: with a PKD, 99% isn't good enough. That's so true. Our PKD is so perfect for us! And he wants to do it, I think. But we do know and understand that now it's over. He wrote to us that maybe if we met his partner (we were hoping to meet his whole family, eventually, but hadn't yet) we could change her mind... but we won't even go there. It's not that we're not willing to work to get our family. We are! But if she's coming into it really uncomfortable, then meets us, likes us, and changes her mind (an unlikely outcome, but suppose it happened), who's to say she won't change it right back? and when will that be? while we're pregnant? after a child exists? I feel like the fact that there was ever a time that she was really uncomfortable (not a little uncomfortable or hesitant) means it's too big a risk.

I think I understand her anxiety. I really do. It's more complex than "hogging the sperm." It would affect her family, especially since PKD wanted to have contact with our children and know them as an uncle.

Estelle said...

That really sucks for you guys.
We never wanted a KD, but now see the draw to it (with Charlie's health issues). However if we had it to do over again, we would probably still go with a anonymous donor.
I've heard good things about PRS. Also about Midwest Sperm Bank in Chicago which is much less expensive (I hate to say cheap... in this context cheap just sounds wrong). Perhaps look into them?
And yeah, having your own tank is cheaper if you don't get pg on the first try and end up storing the other nine vials that you may or may not use indefinitely.

Sarah and BB said...

You KNOW how I feel about it you two, and I am glad you are ready to go into one direction. In TTC it's about the baby-making. No matter the method!

And you are NOT a loser for accepting that it wasn't going to work with the PKD. You made an intelligent decision.

Now go get your sperm girls!!

Kay said...

You guys will have your baby. S/he may not have a Super Uncle, but it'll have super aunties. :)
That Chicago bank looks pretty reasonable, price-wise, too. (Why am I looking? I don't even know.) Hopefully this can happen without too much financial pressure on you guys, cuz you've gotta save your money for the Bugaboo! ;)
*hugs*

abster said...

We did the sperm bank thing too (never really wanted to deal with the potential complications of known donorhood and didn't know anyone whom we trusted enough for this). Anyway, we had good experiences with both California Cryobank and Fairfax Cryobank (I think more information is free upfront from the latter). Both had similar pricing, though Fairfax has a cheap plan (but you get much less info that way--I think it's called Family Solutions). I agree with Art-Sweet on the shipping of multiple vials to cut down on shipping prices (it's actually cheaper to buy multiple and pay shipping once than to do it one at a time). We stored at our REs (cost was 25 a month) and they handled the thaw. Also, our RE can process the swimmers, so you might be able to get away with purchasing cheaper ICI vials (versus more expensive IUI vials)---ask your doctors about this.

Good luck with things. It was actually quite fun to download and review information at home over glasses of wine way back when.

J said...

We're going with Cryogenic Labratories in Minnesota....so far they seem to have good pricing - and we don't think you have to pay a lot to get quality sperm - like, the donors education level means nothing to us.

Good luck!

Brooke said...

Lots & lots of hugs for you both...I so totally know exactly what you're talking about & feeling. I'm still grieving - a bit - over the loss of the possibility of the whole "redefining" family thing. It just plain sucks. But I've been able to focus more on the end-product, and not so much the 5 minute process (I'm guessing here, not having ever insemmed before, but you get the gist) that gets the swimmers where they need to be. Be kind to yourselves and allow yourselves to feel sadness. Guess what I'm trying to say is, I get it. But from what I've heard, once you get a little wiggling one in your arms, how that little one got there will seem so much less important. I will also shamelessly admit that reading the soothing words of your other posters has helped me feel better in our own need to use a sperm bank.

charlotte said...

I'm so sorry. But I remain optimistic about the sperm banks!! We could be headed there ourselves.And I agree that you are still redefining family. But it sucks not to have it turn out as you would like it to.

I have also visited pacrepro. I'll email you.

I'm sending you tons of love.

charlotte said...

I'm so sorry. But I remain optimistic about the sperm banks!! We could be headed there ourselves.And I agree that you are still redefining family. But it sucks not to have it turn out as you would like it to.

I have also visited pacrepro. I'll email you.

I'm sending you tons of love.

Sacha said...

awww, big hugs for both of you. You are redefining family by daring to have a baby and both be mom, and by raising that baby to see that as his or her reality. And that's totally cool.

We just went to a maybe baby group and there were a lot of positive things said both about Sperm Bank of CA and Pacific Reproductive.

Sacha said...

Mermaid Grrrl...I think the girlfriend at the acupuncturist is actually a scene from the first season of The L Word. He he.

fostermama said...

*sigh*
I'm disappointed for you, too. It did seem so likely and good. As a trying-to-become-parent who didn't get to go our original preferred route (private adoption) and are struggling with the uncertainties of our 2nd choice option (which we're really happy about - if it works!), I know what you're going through.
I'm really sorry it didn't work out, but I'm sure something *will*, hopefully sooner than later.

Why would Lo maybe go first w/ a sperm bank, instead of Co? So Co can work herself silly to save up money and Lo can chart?

I wish we had another PKD up our sleeves for you. I wish we could do something to make this one work out. But of course we can't. It's gonna be a little weird wondering why she said no and being kinda upset that she did but not really wanting to bring it up with her cuz it's none of our business. I'll have to get over it.

Deana Jirak said...

Awwww! I'm soooo sorry guys! I just read this after just emailing you and I wish I would've read it before hand so I would've written you a more appopriate message. You guys are going to make awesome mommies! And your children are going to love you so much and appreciate everything you went through just to have them. :-) I just wish it wasn't this hard for you! Hope you still had a chance to have a happy Pi Day!

Calliope said...

I just now catching up with you gals. (((hugs))) what an effing bummer.

Jean said...

You are not the biggest looser in the world. And many of us have used "bought" sperm. I am kinda glad taht we bught ours just for the fear that a donor could force his way in to see our child even if we didn't want it. And in the event that I died he could fight E for custody and win. So for us the bank route was better, even with all the problems that the chuzzle has had. I have heard great thing about the sperm bank of California.

Amanda said...

Lo,
Try not to let this get you down. This is merely another avenue--one that could very well be more suited to you guys in the long run. There is something really fabulous about going it alone, and knowing that you have full autonomy over the situation. i'm sure you guys will pick JUST the right donor and feel great about it in time. For now, don't let it set you back emotionally--even for a minute. i'm sending you guys mega-positive energy.

mermaidgrrrl said...

OMG I am truly going senile. I can't believe I mixed up RL with an L Word episode! LOL It goes to show how rung out and tired I am this week ;-)

M. said...

Ha, ha, I was just going to post that the acupuncturist story was right out of a scene on the L Word, but I see Sacha beat me to it. Mermaidgrrrl, that's so funny. Thank God that didn't happen IRL!