Tuesday, March 28, 2006


Indeed, as several commenters correctly surmised, I am very happy for my sister and my whole family that the first of the next generation is growing. There's really no one in my life I'm as close to as my sister in the way that I am close to her.

It's just that...I'm the oldest. And I want this. I want this so, so so so badly. (Well, you all know. You all are the people who know!!!) And for a while there, the way things were going, it looked like I might get to have the first grandchild (Lord knows I didn't get the first marriage...my sister married [religiously & legally] a few years before I did and since I live in the U.S. I am still not legally married). And that kind of felt good to me, you know? Having the first grandchild, even though it's so hard for us to do.

But that's not how it's going to be. I'm going to be the Late Blooming Lesbian YET AGAIN. Maybe I'll change my cute little pseudonym from LO to LBL since those appear to be my real initials.

(I'm getting used to this new turn of events, I'm not as down as I might sound in this post. It's just that sometimes I get tired of all the drama/detritus that comes with being queer. 'Cause if we weren't, we'd have been first.)


Tamsin said...

As the eldest sibling, I had desperately wanted to provide the first grandchild too, and like you say, if we weren't gay, I'm sure that we would have. In fact, we'd probably have about 3 kids by now!
When my sister first got pregnant with my niece (who is now 3 1/2), I did feel envious, and put out that I couldn't be the first, as well as delighted at the pregnancy news. When she and her husband started trying for number 2, the hope was that I wouldn't be too far behind, although in the end we weren't able to start ttc as planned. When she announced her second pregnancy, I was definitely jealous. However, sadly my sister lost that baby at 12 weeks, and her third pregnancy also at 12 weeks. By the time she got pregnant with my nephew (now 7 months old), I was purely and simply happy for her that she was able to get and stay pregnant. As I'm sure you already know, you will get a lot of joy from your prospective niece/nephew, but it doesn't stop it being hard to not have the immediate prospect of your own baby to hold.

Brooke said...

Are you sure we're not the same person? This is (sadly) one of my biggest fears: that my brother & his wife will get pregnant before we do. Absolutely pathetic, I know. My "logic" goes like this: they got to have the HUGE, GIMONGOUS, EXPENSIVE, *LEGAL* wedding. Ours will be small, casual, on the cheap & outside of the law. I'm the oldest. I've wanted this more. Though they assure me that they're not trying (my brother's in his first year of law school), I know that sometimes "happy accidents" happen, and I also know (being that the smart girl that I am) that there will be NO happy "accidents" for us. And while I know that I'd be thrilled to learn that I'd be an aunt, I know that that greedy little green-eyed monster would make an appearance. So, I don't have any advice, but I'm so totally with you regarding the battle ground of emotions of such a weighty event.

art-sweet said...

Oh Lo.

I don't have any siblings, but I've watched all three of my first cousins reproduce in the 2.5 years that Pili and I have been trying.

The cousin who is closest in age to me; who swore that there was absolutely no way that he was going to have a child before I did, lesbian or not? His wife had twins in November.

And as much as I love them, and cherish all my little nieces and nephews, I am fiercely jealous.

And resentful, that it's so damn easy for them.

charlotte said...

I completely understand, I would feel more angry and jealous than you seem. This motivated me to do a post blog about this very issue (except it was a wedding).

If I were you I would at least want some understanding from my fam about why this is hard.

J said...

I understand the compulsion to be the "first." As another older sibling, who may very well have to deal with this issue in the not so distant future, I'm sorry that you're going through this right now.

And, probably, in the near future, you'll be able to be happy for your sister, expressing unfettered joy - but for now...it's okay to be less than exuberant.

good luck...

eryn said...

I too understand. Amy and I were married before my brother and SIL and they have a child who will turn one year old next week! I love my nephew and would not trade him for the world, but they got pregnant by accident, and were not ready. They quickly got their $hit together - got married, and are a wonderful family, but I always thought I'd be first. And now they are going to start trying for their second soon. It's hard. But again, I love my nephew so much that seeing him and being in his life really takes a lot of the pain away (while refueling my desire for a child at the same time).

Amanda said...

Hopefully the universe will give you one soon, so that they can be cousins AND playmates! (that's assuming you live close to each other)

Whimsy said...


This is one of those useless hug messages.

You'll probably have a baby before we do, does that help?

Estelle said...

Charlie was the first. Thankfully. Although Jess got pg with her accessory while Charlie was still blooming.
We absolutely wanted to have the first, and we were lucky. But we love Zach so much (even though his parents don't) that we would have been just fine if he came first. You're gonna love the sprout... and if you're lucky, you'll get cool hand me downs!