Belated Photo Friday: Unique Body Parts

I (Lo) remember writing about two of my unique body parts, back in the day before we had our digital camera. So now I present, for your viewing pleasure:

Mismatched Thumbs. I don't know why, but they look entirely different. And no, I never mashed one of them in a car door...The short one looks like my mom's thumbs, and the taller one looks like my dad's thumbs, so they joked that I got one from each parent.




Sunflower Eyes. I have a yellow ring around my pupils. My sister has it, too. Co calls them my sunflower eyes.




Maggie presents to you all her hairless dachshund belly (the vet calls it dachshund pattern baldness; not sure if she was kidding).

Happy Blogiversary To Me

This past Sunday was the first anniversary of the Family O in blog form.

I'm sure that my year-ago self privately expected that after a year, we would be pregnant. After some time living with TTC, I must say, I'm just pleased that we're working on it. And that in the past twelve months, we've tried pretty much every possible method to sperm Co up.

Well. I suppose there is one way we haven't tried. But, you know, eeeeeuw.

Here's hoping that the next year brings not just the journey...but some success.

Tales from the Inseminatrix

Well, the deed is done!

There is a great deal of advice and information out there about how to inseminate at home, much of it conflicting. We decided to go with our bank's recommendations, which included doing one insem immediately after getting a positive OPK, and the second one 12 hours later. (Many folks say to wait 12 hours for the first one.) They also suggested that Co start doing 2 OPKs a day, one around noon and one around 5 or 6 in the evening. I was tempted to leave school early to rush home if she got a positive mid-day, but I can leave legitimately at 3 so we decided that 3-4 hours later wouldn't be a big deal.

She hit a positive yesterday afternoon, so I booked home right after school. We thawed the babyjuice and went to work. I used Preseed to make sure I got all of the sperm out of the vials (a suggestion from Melody). It was a really pleasant, warm, close experience. We cuddled and watched T.V. while Co kept her hips elevated for an hour afterwards (not really necessary to do it for that long). Then we spent the rest of the evening relaxing and ordering in dinner.

We got up this morning at 6am to do it again. Maggie was very cooperative both times, though this morning she did get excited to have Co lying still for so long and and give her Mama C a lot of kisses. So now we're officially in the TWW!!

There was no fish this time (since the only fish tank we have is Fish Tycoon on Co's computer) so I think this is the Dachshund Try. It's our only chance to have our good-luck doxie around while we insem (since even our try with KD was out of town, in a hotel). We were also watched by a variety of stuffed animals, including a Serta sheep, Cookie Monster, and my Cabbage Patch Kid from 1984.

I know it may not work. Co keeps reminding me there's an 8% chance. I just can't help but be hopeful about such a loving experience.

Life's Minor Annoyances

A) My sister has started a parenting blog. Of *course*, the plan was to do so on their very own family website, with their very own blog software. (Who would do less?) But since they've been a mite busy since the birth of our nephew, she's using a standard blogging site instead. (Oh, the humanity.)

So if you want to read wide-eyed proclamations about a perfect baby who is genetically related to both of his parents and conceived through an act of love on the first try...email me and I'll, uh, send you the link.


B) One of my students was suspended last week (today was the last blissfully peaceful day of her suspension) for biting a classmate. She claims that his arm was near her mouth and she accidentally bit him. Like, accidentally opened her mouth and closed it again, hard enough to leave marks.

I teach SEVENTH GRADE, people.


I must close by saying that despite these complaints, I am feeling much, much, much better than I have in a long time. This break was good for both of us, we are both so much less stressed now that we are not mulling over the daily growth of Co's follicles. Really, I trust that they are growing, no need to peek in quite so often. And I am excited to be trying out the frozen swimmers on my own. I had a chat about the details with our fuzzy lesbian sperm bank. I've never heard someone sound so awed when speaking of the cervix. Really, she choked up. I am enjoying this sort of personalized guidance that feels like it's about being in tune with Co's body and listening to her, rather than manipulating, poking, and prodding. I may feel differently if/when it doesn't work. And the current plan is to go back to the RE. But....the difference matters a lot more than I realized it would.

Taking the Plunge

I just ordered almost a thousand dollars worth of swimmers for a home insemination.

This might be a crazy move, but we've decided we want to do it.

It's been a while since we made plans to insem via the vajayjay. Please, give suggestions for insem technique, as well as any low-stress suggestions for Co in increasing fertile mucus.

Stories of this working are welcome as well...

How I'm Doing (and a Plea for Advice if You're Patient Enough To Read Through to The End)

Charlotte was kind enough to ask how I'm doing with the decision to take a break. And it's a well-timed question.

I haven't been posting on this blog much lately. Co has been nagging me to post, but I haven't felt like I have much to say. Co delivers the TTC news, both because, well, it's her body, and because she works from home and has the chance to blog (I am so not blogging at school).

But another reason I've felt kind of silent is because I've been feeling like this is Co's journey. I'm the one who started the blog, and from the beginning I've been engine behind our TTC adventure. Not that Co doesn't want a baby -- she definitely does -- but because that's the way we work. I'm the planner, the organizer, the one who found our apartment and planned our wedding. So I started out last January (oh yes, almost a year has passed; but that's another post) seeking out donors and researching sperm banks and reading books about how to sperm up your loved one.

And then Co started inseminations. Our single KD insem felt very mutual, because that KD is my cousin and the three of us did a lot of talking, and I was the, uh, inseminator. I got to research methods, and procure needleless syringes, and sneak around my cousin's wedding. Since then, however, the insems have been all about Co: measuring her follicles, and the RE inserting the sperm in a stressful and painful environment over which I have no control. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of Co, but I am feeling cut out of the process. It's not about US anymore, somehow. Each month she goes through anxiety and stress about the size of her follicles, and then the increasing slap and ache of the negative. And I comfort her and hold her and assure her that everything is going to be okay, while quietly I keep losing hope, and need someone to tell ME it's going to be okay.

And the external pressures have been wearing at me, making it harder and harder to be there for Co. I went in this journey towards parenthood full of optimism, knowing it would be long and circuitous and might not end up how I expected. But the crushing disappointment of the perfect KD who said no....and then the agony of being lapped by my younger sister...and then the perfect KD who lives half a world away....I've lost the sense of my own timetable. I feel like I'm running as fast as I can but I'm still helpless, I'm still falling hopelessly behind. I've lost the feeling of having time and choices and joy.

All of which led to my breakdown yesterday. I told Co repeatedly that she could take a month off (and meant it every time); when she actually decided to do it, I dissolved. The increasing depression and pessimism of the past 6 months suddenly overflowed, and I had a huge bratty sobbing tantrum. *I* *don't* need a break. I need the continued hope that in two weeks, we could be trying again to make a baby. This month would have been my last try to have a baby before I turn 33, a silly personal goal of mine since my own mom was 32 when I was born. Co needs her break, and she shall get it. But I just couldn't keep my own pain under wraps any longer.

Today I feel better than I have in months (like, since July). I think it was really, really, really good to finally be honest with Co, to admit that I have feelings too and have been so unhappy.

Which brings me to the advice portion of my post. We've thought of a compromise idea: trying at home with sperm from the bank. It seems like an awful longshot, given that IUI with Clomid hasn't worked (twice)...adding the extra impediment of the vajayjay, and our non-expert defrosting and insertion skills, hardly seems like good protocol. But on the plus side, Co would feel relaxed about because she wouldn't have go to the RE to get her follies checked; I would feel good because I would be inserted back into the process, as sperm-wrangler (and researcher). And I would get to be active this month, instead of taking a break that (to me) is unwanted.

There is also a guy we have toyed with asking to be a KD. However, I think (?) it would be too soon to try with him this cycle, so while we may or may not pursue this latest thought, we wouldn't have fresh sperm for a try this cycle.

But is that an awful lot of money for something that seems sure not to work?? Any thoughts?? (And, you know, I'm more than open to comments about the rest of the babble that has suddenly burst from my floodgates...except for that stuff about "You'll get your baby." I really don't believe that crap.)