Charlotte was kind enough to ask how I'm doing with the decision to take a break. And it's a well-timed question.
I haven't been posting on this blog much lately. Co has been nagging me to post, but I haven't felt like I have much to say. Co delivers the TTC news, both because, well, it's her body, and because she works from home and has the chance to blog (I am so not blogging at school).
But another reason I've felt kind of silent is because I've been feeling like this is Co's journey. I'm the one who started the blog, and from the beginning I've been engine behind our TTC adventure. Not that Co doesn't want a baby -- she definitely does -- but because that's the way we work. I'm the planner, the organizer, the one who found our apartment and planned our wedding. So I started out last January (oh yes, almost a year has passed; but that's another post) seeking out donors and researching sperm banks and reading books about how to sperm up your loved one.
And then Co started inseminations. Our single KD insem felt very mutual, because that KD is my cousin and the three of us did a lot of talking, and I was the, uh, inseminator. I got to research methods, and procure needleless syringes, and sneak around my cousin's wedding. Since then, however, the insems have been all about Co: measuring her follicles, and the RE inserting the sperm in a stressful and painful environment over which I have no control. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous of Co, but I am feeling cut out of the process. It's not about US anymore, somehow. Each month she goes through anxiety and stress about the size of her follicles, and then the increasing slap and ache of the negative. And I comfort her and hold her and assure her that everything is going to be okay, while quietly I keep losing hope, and need someone to tell ME it's going to be okay.
And the external pressures have been wearing at me, making it harder and harder to be there for Co. I went in this journey towards parenthood full of optimism, knowing it would be long and circuitous and might not end up how I expected. But the crushing disappointment of the perfect KD who said no....and then the agony of being lapped by my younger sister...and then the perfect KD who lives half a world away....I've lost the sense of my own timetable. I feel like I'm running as fast as I can but I'm still helpless, I'm still falling hopelessly behind. I've lost the feeling of having time and choices and joy.
All of which led to my breakdown yesterday. I told Co repeatedly that she could take a month off (and meant it every time); when she actually decided to do it, I dissolved. The increasing depression and pessimism of the past 6 months suddenly overflowed, and I had a huge bratty sobbing tantrum. *I* *don't* need a break. I need the continued hope that in two weeks, we could be trying again to make a baby. This month would have been my last try to have a baby before I turn 33, a silly personal goal of mine since my own mom was 32 when I was born. Co needs her break, and she shall get it. But I just couldn't keep my own pain under wraps any longer.
Today I feel better than I have in months (like, since July). I think it was really, really, really good to finally be honest with Co, to admit that I have feelings too and have been so unhappy.
Which brings me to the advice portion of my post. We've thought of a compromise idea: trying at home with sperm from the bank. It seems like an awful longshot, given that IUI with Clomid hasn't worked (twice)...adding the extra impediment of the vajayjay, and our non-expert defrosting and insertion skills, hardly seems like good protocol. But on the plus side, Co would feel relaxed about because she wouldn't have go to the RE to get her follies checked; I would feel good because I would be inserted back into the process, as sperm-wrangler (and researcher). And I would get to be active this month, instead of taking a break that (to me) is unwanted.
There is also a guy we have toyed with asking to be a KD. However, I think (?) it would be too soon to try with him this cycle, so while we may or may not pursue this latest thought, we wouldn't have fresh sperm for a try this cycle.
But is that an awful lot of money for something that seems sure not to work?? Any thoughts?? (And, you know, I'm more than open to comments about the rest of the babble that has suddenly burst from my floodgates...except for that stuff about "You'll get your baby." I really don't believe that crap.)