Disclaimer: This post is about me feeling overwhelmed. I am a little afraid some of you will read it and think I am unworthy of my wonderful Flipper or ungrateful for my pregnancy. That's not it. I'm just overwhelmed and thought I might feel better if I got it all out there. I am very happy to be pregnant. I am very happy that it's been as smooth as it has. And I can't wait to meet my son. But right now, I am crying and I have a lot of work to do and I just want to exorcise these feelings so I can do what I need to do today. So, here it is.
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I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed these days. We're at 30 weeks and there's so much we're doing and still so much we need to do before Flipper comes. We met with some labor support doulas and picked one. We've done our name changes--now it's just a matter of dropping off one final affidavit at the courthouse and it'll be official. We're about halfway through our childbirth education class, which some nights leaves me feeling slightly more prepared and other nights leaves me feeling like a hopeless wreck who is never going to be able to deliver and care for a baby. My midwife appointments are about to start becoming more frequent. We need to rearrange furniture so we can fit a bassinet/pack'n'play and changing table/dresser (which arrives today) in our 700-square-foot apartment. We have two consultations scheduled with pediatricians. We need to schedule a tour of the hospital where we'll be delivering. Lo has been crazily hunting down cheap baby buys for us on Craigslist.
On the flip side, I have work to do and have been having a hard time working to my previous levels. At a certain point, my back starts hurting too much to continue sitting in a chair and I have to lay down. I get tired more easily. I am more distractible than I am normally. And I am already feeling a little sad that this pregnancy is almost over. It's kind of hitting me that this is my one and only pregnancy and I'm trying to enjoy it. But I think I am going to miss the experience. It makes me a little sad that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it until fairly recently. I didn't breathe a sigh of relief until I hit the 2nd tri really. So, I kind of feel like it went too fast and like those first 14 weeks weren't really part of it somehow... that they were just part of the stressful TTC period because I spent them waiting for the floor to give out beneath me. And now, suddenly, it's almost over.
There's also all that other life stuff that creeps up--traveling to visit relatives, fixing our car which got sideswiped on the highway by a truck that didn't bother to pull over, and dealing with some apartment repairs that need to get done before Flipper arrives.
I have hit a point at which I really just don't want to schedule anything else if it could possibly make me crazy. I just don't want to run myself ragged. And I know that this is a bad attitude to have. Once Flipper comes, looking back on this last tri will probably make me laugh at it's cake-walkiness. I know once Flip comes I will be running on empty a lot of the time. But I feel like it'll be different. It won't be me going nuts trying to keep appointments or pick out furniture or prepare for Flip in some abstract way. I think once Flip is here, it'll be time spent with him and it'll just be different. But I obviously don't really know.
I am also just feeling oversensitive and unappreciated and pretty damn useless. I have nothing in my checking account right now and paid my estimated taxes this month using a credit card. It's not because I haven't *earned* money, mind you. I have. I just haven't gotten the check for it yet. The cash flow fun of being self-employed! It makes all those things, like paying to fix our car or repairing our apartment or buying baby furniture, so much more fun.
I am feeling sad that I will not be getting much support from my family once Flip is here. That's not because my family doesn't love me. They've been very supportive and my Aunt Ro (really my dad's first cousin's wife, so she's not technically my aunt) even wants to throw us a *baby shower* after Flip is born. But the reality is... I only have one close living relative... my brother. I have no real uncles or aunts and no first cousins. My brother will be loving to his new nephew, and is talking about driving here to meet him as soon as he's born. But he has never set foot in my city the whole time I've lived here so I'm not counting on that actually happening. My brother is an alcoholic with his own problems. My parents are long dead, so my mom won't be coming to help with the baby. If I go to 42 weeks, there is actually a chance that Flip will be born on my mom's birthday. I really hope Flip doesn't end up sharing a birthday with my mom. That would just make me sad, I think.
I'm just stressed and overwhelmed, I guess, and terrified of what kind of mom I'll be.