Friday, September 28, 2007

Overwhelmed

Disclaimer: This post is about me feeling overwhelmed. I am a little afraid some of you will read it and think I am unworthy of my wonderful Flipper or ungrateful for my pregnancy. That's not it. I'm just overwhelmed and thought I might feel better if I got it all out there. I am very happy to be pregnant. I am very happy that it's been as smooth as it has. And I can't wait to meet my son. But right now, I am crying and I have a lot of work to do and I just want to exorcise these feelings so I can do what I need to do today. So, here it is.

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I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed these days. We're at 30 weeks and there's so much we're doing and still so much we need to do before Flipper comes. We met with some labor support doulas and picked one. We've done our name changes--now it's just a matter of dropping off one final affidavit at the courthouse and it'll be official. We're about halfway through our childbirth education class, which some nights leaves me feeling slightly more prepared and other nights leaves me feeling like a hopeless wreck who is never going to be able to deliver and care for a baby. My midwife appointments are about to start becoming more frequent. We need to rearrange furniture so we can fit a bassinet/pack'n'play and changing table/dresser (which arrives today) in our 700-square-foot apartment. We have two consultations scheduled with pediatricians. We need to schedule a tour of the hospital where we'll be delivering. Lo has been crazily hunting down cheap baby buys for us on Craigslist.

On the flip side, I have work to do and have been having a hard time working to my previous levels. At a certain point, my back starts hurting too much to continue sitting in a chair and I have to lay down. I get tired more easily. I am more distractible than I am normally. And I am already feeling a little sad that this pregnancy is almost over. It's kind of hitting me that this is my one and only pregnancy and I'm trying to enjoy it. But I think I am going to miss the experience. It makes me a little sad that I didn't allow myself to enjoy it until fairly recently. I didn't breathe a sigh of relief until I hit the 2nd tri really. So, I kind of feel like it went too fast and like those first 14 weeks weren't really part of it somehow... that they were just part of the stressful TTC period because I spent them waiting for the floor to give out beneath me. And now, suddenly, it's almost over.

There's also all that other life stuff that creeps up--traveling to visit relatives, fixing our car which got sideswiped on the highway by a truck that didn't bother to pull over, and dealing with some apartment repairs that need to get done before Flipper arrives.

I have hit a point at which I really just don't want to schedule anything else if it could possibly make me crazy. I just don't want to run myself ragged. And I know that this is a bad attitude to have. Once Flipper comes, looking back on this last tri will probably make me laugh at it's cake-walkiness. I know once Flip comes I will be running on empty a lot of the time. But I feel like it'll be different. It won't be me going nuts trying to keep appointments or pick out furniture or prepare for Flip in some abstract way. I think once Flip is here, it'll be time spent with him and it'll just be different. But I obviously don't really know.

I am also just feeling oversensitive and unappreciated and pretty damn useless. I have nothing in my checking account right now and paid my estimated taxes this month using a credit card. It's not because I haven't *earned* money, mind you. I have. I just haven't gotten the check for it yet. The cash flow fun of being self-employed! It makes all those things, like paying to fix our car or repairing our apartment or buying baby furniture, so much more fun.

I am feeling sad that I will not be getting much support from my family once Flip is here. That's not because my family doesn't love me. They've been very supportive and my Aunt Ro (really my dad's first cousin's wife, so she's not technically my aunt) even wants to throw us a *baby shower* after Flip is born. But the reality is... I only have one close living relative... my brother. I have no real uncles or aunts and no first cousins. My brother will be loving to his new nephew, and is talking about driving here to meet him as soon as he's born. But he has never set foot in my city the whole time I've lived here so I'm not counting on that actually happening. My brother is an alcoholic with his own problems. My parents are long dead, so my mom won't be coming to help with the baby. If I go to 42 weeks, there is actually a chance that Flip will be born on my mom's birthday. I really hope Flip doesn't end up sharing a birthday with my mom. That would just make me sad, I think.

I'm just stressed and overwhelmed, I guess, and terrified of what kind of mom I'll be.

10 comments:

The Fonaholics said...

Know how you feel on the family front...i just am happy to consider Kim and myself and our future child to be my "family"...sure it would be nice to have an extended family, but with Kim's family in Malta and mine being mostly estranged, i guess its up to us to make the most of it...dont worry you are going to be a great mum!!! Believe in yourself!

lagiulia said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. It's really good to let it out sometimes. Many of your feelings are feelings that most third-trimester women have... well-earned feelings. And others are feelings that are specific to you and your life. Also totally real and legitimate. I don't know what to say other than that you are a great person who will be a good mother. Motherhood is difficult and looks different on everyone, but you will find your way through the good, bad, and the ugly. The vast majority do. Take care, my dear. Remember, we are just around the corner. Even though you and I are only acquaintances, I can certainly relate to difficult times and am more than willing to help where I can.

charlotte said...

don't feel bad about complaining. you are certainly entitled to freak out!! let it all out. and the not having family thing is so super sad. i would grieve that as well. having a baby makes you look at your family, what you have, what you have lost. i encourage you to be vulnerable with the people who are your *chosen* family, ask them for some support. maybe you need some extra hugs, or to hear that they will be there for your baby. i have no doubt that you and Lo will find your way, but right now, maybe you just need to cry for a day and feel really really sorry for yourself. Love you.

calliope said...

sending you lots of love.
For what it is worth- I think you & Lo will be great Mothers.
xo

Sandra said...

I don't want to make it feel like I'm minimixing your feelings, but the ambivalence, the stress, everyhthing... it's all normal. *hugs* You can get through this and you'll be a great family.

maeby said...

I don't even think you need a disclaimer. No one would ever consider you to be ambivalent or negative about your pregnancy OR Flipper. (Actually, you've been very upbeat & positive about your pregnancy, unlike some of us who just can't shut their mouths & stop bitching - um, that would be me.)

I have no doubt that you & Lo are going to be superb parents to your boy. But I also know that this is a time of great flux & change, which can overwhelm even the most organized of us. Be gentle with yourself. And let it out by writing whenever you need to.

e. said...

i'm sending you hugs.

i don't have any words of wisdom that haven't already been expressed here, but i just want you to know that i'm thinking of you.

xoxoxoxo

Homestead Mom said...

Your blog is for *your* feelings, and look, here we are, still reading. You have a lot to be sad or conflicted about, and the joy of the pregnancy doesn't erase that. I wanted to say that I also worried about not being able to enjoy my only pregnancy enough while it was going on. So much emphasis on the prize at the end, but I'd always wanted to BE pregnant in addition to having a baby. I'd suggest that you start practicing being really selfish NOW - skip all things you can, make sure you have as much unscheduled time as possible. Take a lot of pictures of your belly. I took video of the kicking when the baby was inside. Also, your blog will really help bring it all back.

Slow down if you can, and spend as much time as you need gazing at & touching the belly. Good luck!

fostermama said...

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed.
Are there parts of "nesting" that you think you'd enjoy? Maybe you can focus on those things and let Lo take care of some of the other stuff.

I guess I don't have much helpful to say. I do hope Flipper lets you just chill out and cuddle him when he does finally arrive.

EggDropBlogger said...

Wow! That does sound a bit overwhelming and that is the beauty of having a blog, you can let it all hang out. I always feel better after I let it rip on my blog. That's what your fans are here for.

You and Lo are going to be amazing parents, but it's natural that you would feel overwhelmed, scared, tired and a ton of self-doubt from time to time. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.


I know you have feel about not having any close relatives because my mom died over 15 years ago and I keep thinking: what would it be like if she were around? especially now that I am obcessed with giving birth. But, we both have the opportunity and great fortune to be able to make our own families and it's a wonderful challenge. And you are doing it!

Flipper is on the way.

Hurrah!