Saturday, February 04, 2006

Needing Lesbian Help.....

I found out today that someone close to me is pregnant. Someone heterosexual without fertility problems (anyone who has to do as much work as Co and I do to create their family wins my total respect).

And I don't mean that I lack respect for someone who has an easy time. I just wish for a little bit more sensitivity when they give me their news. It IS NOT going to be that easy for us. We are hoping to use fresh sperm and by the book that makes it easier. But even if everything works out with PKD then we still have the following issues:
--Our access to that fresh sperm is not the same as if we were het.
--We would have to travel 3 hrs to get PKD's sperm.
--While we intend to try to make Adventures with a Syringe as lovely and romantic as Eryn & partner did (Two Moms are Better Than One) it just doesn't sound the same as sex.
--We will need to spend money and energy and time on a lawyer before we can begin TTC.
--One of us will have to legally adopt the child (I will have to adopt baby 1 since our plan is that Co will give birth).
--We can't have a baby who is genetically related to both of us (neither of us have related donors that would work out, it just wouldn't work). We are okay with this, we do not shed tears over this, because it's not even a societal problem, it just is what it is....but of course we would prefer what Whimsy of Two More Mamas calls "egg salad."

There are probably more differences but it's all I can think of right now.

And I feel like a pretty evil person for not feeling purely happy for someone that I love -- and I didn't tell her how I felt -- but it is just so hard when you are plodding along keeping your spirits up, waiting and waiting and waiting.......and someone else can just DO IT and not even understand.

Thanks for reading, if you are.


Sarah and BB said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. In fact, all points, except for the lawyer (so glad I don't have that jungle) are just what we are going through.

Ever since we started this whole TTC journey, everyone started getting pregnant, colleagues, friends and family. It hurts. Especially when you're trying and it isn't working.

I wish I could tell you it gets better or that those feeling subside after a while. But they don't. Although I'm pretty sure that all those things won't matter as soon as you get that positive pregnancy test.

Hang in there, stay positive!

mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh don't worry, I felt a moment of pure hate on Thursday when a colleague announced her pregnancy so you're not alone in your moments of not feeling pure joy for others. This couple in particular quite shit me off, but she has such a sicky-sweet manner and is a blonde Barbie that everyone thinks it's perfectly DELIGHTFUL that she and her pot-addicted husband are having a baby. Of course I knew she'd get pregnant straight away on her very first try - her 5 abortions have proven she gets pregnant pretty easily. Oops - did that sound bitchy? Bwah ha ha!

Trista said...

There was a moment while Kristin and I were TTC that my sister hinted that she was pregnant. And I felt a moment of irritation and anger that was pretty extreme (we were in the middle of a 2 week wait that wasn't looking good) that she and her irresponsible boy friend could just have sex and mess up and end up with a baby while we had to try so damn hard.

So yeah, you're normal.

Jennifer said...

Completely normal. I remember feeling so annoyed with my brother and his girlfriend when they got pregnant at 19. There was never going to be an opportunity for me to go "oops, I'm pregnant" it was going to have to be planned with military precision (and it was).

marci said...

I can only imagine how it would hurt. It is pretty nauseating that hetero couples who can barely take care of themselves bring new lives into the world purely because they had sex at the right time. I've known a few of them.

Just know this, when it really does happen and you finally have that little bundle of joy, he or she will know they were very much wanted, very much planned and very much loved by two parents.

charlotte said...

I so hear you!!
I feel like my straight friends don't get it at all. They try, they are kind, they listen, but they don't really get it. And you came up with a good list. Although S. and I do shed tears over it. Especially this time around, the process is so hard. And we are socially, economically and legally not supported as queer families.

So when someone is pregnant, with the bio-child of the love of their life, and they had sex to make the baby, and it was easy, and no one asks them weird questions, and they are just all rosy and happy and everyone else is all rosy and happy for can just be enough to make you puke.

Totally normal.

But Marci is right about the love thing when the baby comes. They know how much they are wanted and loved and appreciated...and flourish.

Amanda said...

Something very similar to me happened when i found out my boss was pregnant. My boss that DID NOT want to be pregnant. But still, my boss with plenty of fresh sperm around, great health care, and no worries that "oops, i just got pregnant." i was feeling really bad about being envious and a bit angry to begin with, but after time i became really happy for her. It is ironic that it happens so easily to some folks who don't even want it, and that those of us who do have to work so hard for it (and sometimes still fail). When it happens for you, it will be YOUR time to rejoice--and while there'll be some folks out there who probably feel the same way you are right now, they will have their moment, too. Feel what you feel, and don't let it bring you guilt. It's totally natural.

Lorem ipsum said...

On top of the fact that people get pregnant, I get angry that they seem to have problem-free pregnancies. It's always the shallowest, laziest, 'we didn't plan to' people too who breed like dumb animals and drink and smoke to boot and still have no problem producing perfectly healthy babies.

So I can't totally relate, but I sure can relate to the sheer hatred (can I use that word?) of people who have it so easy. And I guess I can kind of lump myself into that, because I don't need to worry about sperm shopping/syringes/adoption issues. Yet.

And yeah, at first glance I'm the kind of hetero bitch who gets knocked up so easily, but then the joke is on me because then they die inside of me. Even if you do conceive, there's no guarantee.